When you come across a U.S. Senate candidate who also happens to be a homophobic pedophile, you can either immediately reject them or hear out the rest of their credentials for some reason. Sure, he’s a pedophile, and that is bad. But, what if this molester also has some hidden good qualities? Wouldn’t you regret casting him aside without waiting for those good qualities to emerge? I sure would. That’s why I’m still on the fence about the child molester Senate candidate.

Oh… Oh, boy. I’m being told this specific pedophile also thinks slavery is fine. That’s in addition to him being a molester and an every-phobic bigot. Well, I’ve got egg on my face. How could I have known a pedophile who wants to outlaw homosexuality would also exhibit a playful nostalgia for Antebellum-era slavery? It’s not like terrible people are often terrible in many different ways. I may have been on the fence about this sex criminal, but now that I know he’s also pro-slavery, I’m officially out. What a shocking twist that couldn’t have possibly been predicted.

It’s not like he’s done or said anything in his 70 disgusting years on this Earth could’ve hinted at this latest awful revelation, right? Just because a person is a molester with a history of gross opinions doesn’t mean they might also be a horrible racist. It’s extremely likely, but it’s not guaranteed. I’ve always taken the wait-and-see approach when it comes to bigoted pedophiles and now that I’ve waited, I can see this pedophile is a full-on slavery stan. That’s on me. Full disclosure, I was not very good at those connect the dots worksheets in elementary school.

When I’m grocery shopping and I come across a rotting peach, I don’t just toss the peach aside. I inspect that peach and I give it a chance. There could be plenty of good peach under the rotting portion. Who’s to say it’s fully rotten, all the way down to its core? Oh, the manager of the grocery store says it is. Apparently, I’m not allowed to purchase this particular peach because it would be a health hazard. How was I supposed to know the entire peach was beyond repair just because it gave off a putrid, rotting stench? I’m not a peach mind reader.

All this being said, the homophobic and racist pedophile could still be a viable Senate candidate for all I know. I don’t want to fully write him off quite yet. As long as it doesn’t turn out that he also thinks evolution is fake and women shouldn’t hold public office… Oh, he does? Well, who could’ve seen that coming?