“I have many progressive friends who, already anxious about our country, are finding the possibility that Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg might be replaced by Amy Coney Barrett almost too much to bear. But I have known Barrett as a friend and colleague for more than 15 years. And I can assure worried liberals that there is nothing about the prospect of a Justice Barrett that should cause them to fear.” — O. Carter Snead, Washington Post op-ed, 9/26/20

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During what is a very uncertain time in our country, I know many of my progressive friends are now even more worried by who has been selected to fill the open Supreme Court seat. But as someone who has known the nominee as a longtime friend and colleague, I’m happy to share that liberals have nothing to fear from the unholy ascendancy of Zonomaw the Facerender.

As the rest of her necromancy classmates and I watched Zonomaw rise to the top of our class, it was clear she was destined for greatness. In the forbidden library and during our dark apprenticeships, we quickly learned how sharp and truly terrible Zomomaw’s corrupted mind could be. Every living being she tortured with unspeakable horrors always succumbed to her will, eventually coerced into pledging undying servitude to her for eternity. Why then should liberals be afraid of someone with such determination and excellent people skills from joining the only institution that has the ability to strike down any legislation that could make their lives better, and enshrine into law those that make it worse?

It’s true that ideologically we couldn’t be further apart. Zonomaw believes in the conservative tradition that our human sacrifices need to be virgins, where I uphold the more liberal tenet that it is up to the human sacrifice’s choice what they do with their bodies, that is until we turn their bodies into undead batteries that sustain our cursed magic. But at the end of the day, we both agreed on what is most important: a constant pursuit of the truth, the value of hard work, and an unflinching respect for the law (specifically the ancient law that lets us drain the souls of the poor underclass so that we can live forever with impunity). I don’t see why my fellow liberals are so concerned over a decrepit being, who has traded her humanity for more power, becoming the decisive vote on the legal determination of reproductive freedom, civil rights, and labor protections for the next 40 years.

Of course, aside from her academic and professional achievements, it is Zonomaw the Facerender the person that truly impressed me the most. Zonomaw volunteers as a mentor to young acolytes, guiding them on the twisted path of the damned, and even teaching her famous face-rending-to-inflict-wounds technique to her favorite pupils. She is a loving mother to two hellhounds she summoned from the depths of the Underworld, and I know how much she spoils them with strips of unidentified flesh leftover from her demonic experiments. Plus, she once brought scones in for the entire class. As liberals, should we really fear scones?

Sure, Zonomaw may adhere to the textualist school of thought, believing the words contained within the arcane Book Of Souls are sacred and must be interpreted literally, but that doesn’t mean she isn’t open to progress. When Zonomaw once raised an army of the dead in class, she not only tore the life essence from fallen men but also condemned the souls of women, giving everyone a wretched fate stuck between life and death, where the only constant is suffering and an eternal yearning for blood. So you see, Zonomaw the Facerender’s nomination is thus a celebration of conservative feminism — one that all liberals can join in on.

Most importantly, as a professor at one of the nation’s top necromancy schools, Harvard, I know that ultimately Zonomaw’s appointment will change nothing about my quality of life. I have nothing to fear from her joining the Supreme Court, and I encourage other liberals who make enough money to think about this in the same way. For everyone else, is it really worth getting so upset over a power-hungry, maniacal defiler of all life taking over the legal reigns of our country’s future? Didn’t I mention the scones?