Wow! Let me tell you, this meal was exceptional, from start to finish. As the courses progressed, I could taste a vivid autobiographical story about the person who prepared the meal. I loved it. If you don’t mind, I simply must speak to the chef.

Well, it’s not just about the meal. I’m from the Coast Guard and I’m here to tell the chef that his son was lost at sea yesterday. I came here to your restaurant to convey this tragic message, but saw you had an open table. I felt like I couldn’t pass up the opportunity to dine at your amazing restaurant. I’m kind of a big foodie. Oh, no. Have I made a terrible mistake by sitting down for a huge meal before speaking with the chef about his son? I have, haven’t I?

Damn it. I had one mission today and that was to deliver extremely difficult news to the chef about his sea-lost son. I’m ashamed of myself for sitting down and eating a full 17-course prix fixe meal before doing so. I’m also starting to think I shouldn’t have had that second bottle of expensive wine. Please show me to the kitchen and send my dinner bill to the local Coast Guard station.

My superior officers will not be pleased. This will be my second strike. Earlier this year I showed up very late to an open-water drug bust because I stopped for a lobster roll at a waterside seafood shack. It was remarkable. My favorite food blog said that I’d be a dunce if I missed out on that roll. The drug lords got away because nobody flanked their speedboat from the left, which is my job. I was too busy in lobster claw meat heaven.

So this is what the most innovative kitchen in the world looks like. Incredible. Look at all this copper cookware. Excuse me, could you take a photo of the chef and me? Use Portrait Mode, please. Chef, I’m very sorry, but your son was snatched by the ocean.

While I’m here, Chef, I must say, I was quite challenged by certain dishes on your menu. I found the fisherman stew to be a particularly exciting dish. Speaking of fisherman stew, we found your son’s fishing boat floating in the ocean near where his vessel disappeared. We’ll need you to identify it. I’ve brought the boot with me; it’s currently in the coat check with my jacket. On that note, will I be able to use my coat check slip to validate parking?

Don’t worry, we’re working tirelessly to find your son. Can you please confirm your son’s boot size for me? Also, can you confirm if you guys do espresso? I’d love to cap off that wonderful meal with an espresso.

Chef, would it be inappropriate of me to ask for your autograph on a copy of tonight’s menu? I’d love to take that home as a souvenir. I’ll also need your autograph on this official form stating that I showed up and effectively informed you of your son’s status as a prisoner of the sea. I’m afraid I can’t leave until you acknowledge that I have properly delivered the news that your son has been kidnapped by the great blue abyss.

And, before I go, I’d love to see a dessert menu.