It’s just about everybody’s worst nightmare, finding yourself staring down the barrel of a gun held by beloved television actor Gary Sinise as he demands you make out with America’s Founding Fathers. But if he gives you the chance to choose which Founding Fathers to kiss, here’s the order I would go with:
1. Thomas Jefferson
Tom spoke French, which could add some much needed romance to our necking and help get me into the mood for all the Founding Fathers to follow. And I’m sure it’s something that a worldly man like Gary Sinise could appreciate.
2. George Washington
Perhaps George could apply some of that legendary leadership, which helped him shepherd the Colonial Army through Valley Forge to convincing Gary Sinise to put down his gun and let me go.
3. James Madison
Jamie is a talented writer so hopefully I could convince him to write a pamphlet for Gary Sinise, telling him that he should really be making another season of CSI:NY and not wasting his time with me, violently screaming that I have to tongue-skewer John Adams.
4. Alexander Hamilton
As indicated by the contents of my wallet, he is objectively the hottest Founding Father on money. Also getting it on with Alex is as close as I’ll ever be to seeing Hamilton, so really Gary, the gun isn’t necessary, I want this one.
5. Ben Franklin
On one hand, he is a legendary bon vivant full of charm; on the other hand, his hair looks a little weird. In any case, whoever comes after Hamilton will seem blasé. But with any luck, in between our canoodling, I can convince Ben to invent a weapon for me. Perhaps some sort of sharpened bifocals I could use to stab Gary Sinise in the neck. Or maybe a specially modified Franklin Stove designed to convince Gary Sinise that I’m cooking a tasty coq au vin, but when he opens it he finds nothing inside. That’s when I stab him with the bifocals.
6. Betsy Ross
Why would I make out with Betsy Ross? You see, there is no actual evidence that Betsy Ross made the first flag. In fact, the story first appears over 100 years after she died! Isn’t that suspicious, Gary? Really, Betsy Ross doesn’t belong here and once I lay out the evidence to Gary, he will certainly agree and I will not have to make out with this fake Founding Mother.
7. Samuel Adams
He is famous for beer, and I count on him bringing plenty of cool delicious lager. After all, Gary Sinise is probably a little thirsty, aren’t you Gary? Come have a sip of one of these delicious IPAs. Hey, why don’t you shotgun that beer? That will definitely impress all the Founding Fathers. You’d be so cool. Look, George Washington just gave you the double guns! And it goes without saying, none of these beers are full of fish paralyzer.