If trans kids are able to transition, that would mean that I would also need to transition. I would need muscles as big as Dwayne Johnson’s in order to pass as a man, and then I would get cast in a Fast and Furious movie against my will, and then I would get fired from my job for taking three months off to film car stunts.
If trans kids are able to transition, that would mean that I would legally need to help them transition. I would have to start spending my afternoons offering kids hormones out of my grandfather’s ratty old trench coat at the old run-down playground, and then I’d get kicked off my bowling team for missing games to peddle hormones to trans kids. I’m all for kids living their truth, but is it really worth me sacrificing my bowling career?
If trans kids are able to transition, they might be better at sports than me. And I didn’t give myself Dwayne Johnson’s buttery muscles to be worse at swimming than some trans kid, thank you very much.
If trans kids are able to transition, they’ll expect me to get their pronouns right. And then they’ll expect me to know other things, like how to crack into a high-tech safe, and then I’ll be forced to come out of retirement to join a ragtag crew of misfits on one last heist. It’s not that I don’t support trans kids; it’s just that I don’t know if I have one last heist in me. Go ahead, explain that to the woke mob parked outside my house.
If trans kids are able to transition, that would mean that I would be forced to stop living my truth so that they could live theirs, which means that I would finally have to stop wearing my cool heist fedora even though everyone says I can really pull it off. But I guess that’s just the future liberals want.
If trans kids are able to transition, they’ll probably expect me to treat them with respect and consideration, and let’s be honest: that sounds pretty exhausting. I mean, by this point, I’m going to be so yoked that I sleep hanging upside-down from a pull-up bar, which is also trans kids’ fault.
If trans kids are able to transition, they’ll want to use whatever bathroom best suits their gender, and I’ll have to pee in a bucket labeled MOTHER that I bring with me wherever I go.
If trans kids are able to transition, they’ll want to get surgery or something. And then they’ll all be at the doctor when I’m trying to peddle my hormones on the playground, which means that I’ll miss the quarterfinals of my bowling tournament and be late to meet my old heist crew at the rendezvous point, and then someone will be like, “They got Scotty, man, they got Scotty,” and I’ll fall to my knees thinking, Oh God, where did it all go so wrong?
If trans kids are able to transition, they may want to detransition in the future, which would be very upsetting to me. Although I have never met someone who has detransitioned, just imagining it is enough to make me flex my muscles disapprovingly.
If trans kids are able to transition, it might be a slippery slope that leads to children freezing their bodies and uploading their consciousnesses to Target’s website to shoplift digital pasta from the Metaverse. I take no pleasure in reporting this.
If trans kids are able to transition, it might come out that what trans kids do with their bodies is none of my business, and that’s simply intolerable to me. Almost as intolerable as getting fired from my job for doing car stunts, which, as stated above, is trans kids’ fault.