Airline Pilot

“Yes, I know you thought we were flying to California, but New Mexico is about 80% of the way so I’m stopping here. Have fun in Albuquerque, everyone!”

Surgeon

“Listen, if you wanted more than 53% of your gallbladder removed, you should have used a white male doctor, not a female Hispanic doctor. My advice is to pray."

Website Designer

“Your website is almost designed! The ‘About Us’ page is just clip art of a squirrel sitting on a mountain of nuts. You know who else has nuts? A male web designer who you’d pay 20% more than you’re paying me.”

Basketball Player

“I’ve played for four minutes, think I’ll hit the showers. Oh, you wanted me to play a whole WNBA game for 1/10th of an NBA starting salary? Nah, that’s gonna be an airball for me.”

Accountant

“Your tax return is 4/5ths of the way done, I only itemized through September. You can probably handle the rest yourself, or find a male CPA who does pinch hitting. You know, like baseball players in that league that has no women players?”

Professor

“It’s a month till finals and I… AM… OUTTA HERE! I’m sure your physics TA, Jeff, can fill you in on any questions you may have about rigid-body mechanics and dark matter. If not, I suggest you direct your rigid bodies to Google, a company that handles the gender pay gap better than this university.”

Chef

“Your chicken entrée is cooked about 60 percent of the way, so fair warning, there may be some salmonella issues. Maybe you should just eat cereal like I’ll be doing after I retire with $1 million less in the bank than my male peers."

Attorney

“I know I have to present the evidence that’ll probably exonerate you, but here’s the thing: I’ve already put in 70%-ish of my time, so I’m dunzo. Call me when you get out in 5-10!”

Actor

“I won’t be appearing in the third act. Maybe you could CGI-me in. Or just throw a wig on my co-star, Jason Statham, and let him do my lines since he’s getting paid twice what I am? Your call.”

Nun

“The archbishop got another gold stitched robe? And you’re still paying me in soup? Fuck it, I’m out of here."