Dear grandmas, grandpas, and assorted other family and friends:
Our little Gracie is growing so fast, it would be a shame if you missed any moment from her adorable little life. That’s why her parents have teamed up with your local internet provider to provide you Non-Stop Gracie (NSG), the only streaming channel that provides a never-ending supply of content about your favorite little girl for the low, low price of $6.99/month.
Obviously, you have questions. So here are a few answers:
Do you guys need money?
We don’t need money so much as we’re in an arms race. Every family wants an affordable house in a quality school district that’s close to work. But those things are so rare and such a dying breed they’re likely to be memorialized on the backs of currency one day. Thus, our new revenue stream.
Okay, so what do we get for this $6.99/month?
Exclusive content involving Gracie you won’t find on any other parents’ streaming service. You will have special access to bath time, birthdays, every other Christmas morning (yes, we’re still doing that, Mom); tons of cute baby bottom pictures; every breakfast, lunch and supper; the cutest farts you’ve ever heard; and not only her meltdowns but behind the scenes videos and post-meltdown analysis. Plus, you’ll hear Gracie’s first-ever curse word. And by the way, if you’re ever driving her, that’s what she now thinks you call other drivers. Or cars. We’re not sure which.
Nice job, guys. So what happens to all the stuff we used to get for free?
That becomes part of our massive library of material that comes with our new streaming service. For instance, maybe you’re in a nostalgic mood and want to see Gracie when she was two months old and in her PJs; and then a day later in her PJs again; and then a day later, also in her PJs; and then again with the PJs. And, well, there’s a lot of filler in our massive library. Some good stuff in there, too, but not much. Also, none of it’s curated or easy to find. Honestly, the vault is basically so we can stick a big number on our service, like “18,000 titles!” most of which, I guess, didn’t leave much of an impression, because a lot of this stuff even we don’t remember.
So why again are we buying this?
Because otherwise, you’ll be out of the loop. You’ll be at the Food Court or getting coffee at Barnes and Noble (or wherever old people gather) and while every one of your friends is talking about their grandkids and the amazing hours of content they binged the previous night, you’ll be stuck talking about the one thing in this age you can get, ad nauseam, for free: politics. And is that what you want? To talk more about politics?
Fine. (Sigh) But it’s $6.99/month, and that’s never going to increase?
… Well, look, as Gracie matures, she will be involved in more activities with more new friends and teachers. She’ll have magazines or Girl Scout cookies or whatever they’re getting kids to sell these days. And then there’s the braces, a car, new clothes every year — a college fund! I mean, don’t you want to meet the boys she’s dating? Or hear why she can’t be an English major at a state school, she has to be one at a private school for four times the cost? To compete, we have to bring you better and more expensive content every year — which, remember, is exclusive!
Okay, but does it include your brother’s and sister’s kids too?
Sort of. For the time being, you’ll have special access to every get together with Kerry or our cousins in Hanover or that weird relation of mom’s we’ve never met who calls us every Christmas and we all have to fake it through the conversation like we remember how she’s related and the people she’s talking about.
What about your brother?
Are you not talking to him again?
We think he may be starting up his own streaming service and doesn’t want to share content. I mean, we think that’s what it is. He and Trish are taking out a lot of loans again.
Yeah, I think if you’re interested in exclusive content about life as a part-time bar DJ and Trish’s latest self-diagnosis for why she can’t get a job, they say they have a plan.
And how much is that gonna cost us?
$14.99/month. Although, I believe they also have a low-cost version. For about half the price, you have to fly out seven times a year and babysit the twins so they can go to Cancun on whatever credit card they haven’t maxed out.
Your mother won’t stay in their house anymore. It scares her.
Well, they could drop the kids off at your place, on the way.
We’d never see them again.
Which makes us look like a pretty good deal!
Fine. So how do we get this channel?
Like you do everything else involving the internet: Wait until we come out again to set it up.