Guys, I did it. I did it! I’m caught up! I experienced every show, movie, webisode, album, book, webcomic, podcast, video game, Twitter feed, Tumblr, Instagram, Reddit AMA, and op-ed you guys were telling me I had to check out. Now we can talk about them and I won’t feel like such an outcast when we hang out. So let’s get to it. What do you want to talk about?

Oh, you mean my headphones? Pretty cool right? After about a week I just started bleeding from my ears kind of on the regular. And I was thinking of putting simple cotton balls there to sop up all that blood, but then I thought, I have a backlog of 400 WTF podcasts that aren’t gonna listen to themselves. So I just use these super absorbent in-ear headphones, gently rinse out the blood every hour or so, and keep plugging away. It’s annoying at first, but after awhile it’s like you forget that you were ever bleeding from the ears in the first place.

What’s that? Why am I pacing? Ha! Funny story. My eyes can’t process still life anymore. I think it happened somewhere around the ninth Doctor Who and the third season of The Wire. I had them running simultaneously on two TVs while I streamed Community on the laptop. I know I know, Nielsen ratings don’t account for it, and I should have thought of that at the time. In my defense, my capacity to hold a thought based in the real world kinda drifts in and out these days.

I know what you’re thinking, and yes it has been tough to hold down a job and consume all this culture. I really thought I might have to ask to take some time off from work. Fortunately, they fired me for “gross misconduct and odor unbefitting of the workplace” and even let me get to a checkpoint in The Last of Us before I was told to pack my things. Bonus! I’ll tell you what though, that game is even scarier when you live out of a broken down car with no rear windshield. Luckily, I did a patch job with the help of a few Sub Pop vinyls that I duct-taped together. It’s a good thing you guys reminded me that vinyl is the only way to experience music or I’d still be fending off raccoons with my copy of Infinite Jest. Poor fellas never stood a chance.

But enough about those open sores that seem to accumulate with each new day. Wait, I didn’t mention those? Nevermind then, let’s talk about webcomics! And before you even say it, you’re right, I don’t have internet access anymore. But it’s cool; I had a system. I just laid low in the bushes outside a Starbucks and waited for a customer to leave his laptop unattended for a bathroom run. Then I slipped an air freshener in my pocket and made my move. I had it down to a science. Last week I made it through the entirety of Lena Dunham’s Twitter feed after I spotted a mark with digestive issues.

That is until a guy caught wind of my scheme and pulled the old pump fake bathroom routine. I was midway through the mouseover text for a hilarious xkcd when he came back and wanted to throw down. I remember thinking, “I’ve seen enough House of Cards recently. I can talk my way out of anything.” I woke up some number of hours later facedown in the parking lot. I cursed the sun for some time and tried to squint my way into a makeshift Instagram filter. Crazy thing is, it worked! The sun even winked at me and recited a few headlines from The Onion to cheer me up. I gave him a friendly wave goodbye and, to make a long story short, passed out once again in a pool of what I can only hope was my own vomit.

This time, I regained consciousness with some change scattered at my feet and a plan. I bought a cranberry orange scone and, as a paying customer, demanded complete control of all laptops in the place for thirty uninterrupted minutes. It was either my impassioned speech about resolution or their collective pity that did it. Either way, they agreed and allowed me to tie up a few loose ends. I jumped to my feet and hugged the nearest barista I could find. I’d done it!

So here I am, a fulfilled man. One who’s seen everything you guys told him to see. I’ve got no job, no home, and no way of getting this cat urine smell out of my coat. But it doesn’t matter, because now we can have a full conversation without any of you bringing up some piece of culture and then chiding me for not being up to speed on it. So for god’s sake, tell me, what do you guys wanna talk about?

Oh, there was a new Scandal last night?

No, I haven’t seen it yet.