Holy shit holy shit holy shit. That cordial was cor-dialllll, right, Anne? Anne? ANNE! ANNNNNEEEEEEE! Hahahahah, oh my god I’m just here like screaming your name and you’re right there! On the other side of the kitchen island! I mean, it’s not an island in the kitchen, like we’re in a kitchen on an island. Like Prince Edward Island! Where we LIVE! Ahahahahah oh my god whoa. Like, whoa. Do you know what? You are my best friend, do you know that? You know that. Can I see your bosom? Ew, no, not like that, just, like, I don’t know. I’ve never seen any except on the pigs and I don’t think that’s what they’re supposed to look like anyway. God, come on. Don’t be such a prude! I’ll show you mine!

Whoaaaaaaaaaaaaa! You gotta do it, go real low then stand up. Try it! Seriously! Oh my god, it’s like… WHOA, you know? Ugh, where is all the DICK! I’m so horny I’d fuck Fred — what’s his name? The pink-faced one? He’s like, ugly hot, you know? Like, you hate yourself but that’s part of it. Omigod, shut up Anne you’re gonna marry Gilbert Fuckin’ Blythe but the rest of us gotta eat, too. Is Ruby Gillis’s brother around? Still? Because I would. You know I would.

Shhhh! Shhhh! Oh shit oh shit is that my mom. Oh shit, shut up. Anne! No, I’m down here behind the cupboard. Say I’m sick! Say you’re sick! Say I’m a pig because I’m on the floor and my tits are out! Hahahahah! No, no, no, okay, no. MAMA? HI, MAMA! I’M JUST LEAVING WITH ANNE! SHIRLEY! YOU KNOW, MY BOSOM BUDDY! YEP! BYE! Hahahahahah oh god Anne she knows. WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK AROUND THE FIELDS! BYEEEEE!

Close the door. Anne! The door! Oh my god oh god okay. Whoa, it’s cold. I feel way better. I feel good. I’m fine. Walking is fine. No, hold on to my arm! Ah! Isn’t this great? Two gals, our whole lives ahead of each other? Except, I guess, me, because I know this is impossible but I just have this feeling that, like, I’m not going to get old. Or, like, I’m not going to age. I know that’s ridiculous, but look at me! I’m so ALIVE! I’m so HUMAN! Anne! Anne! Look at that fence! Don’t you think sometimes that it’s so sad how we keep horses in FENCES? Like, they were made to run free. To walk around and, I don’t know, eat apples? Have their own lives? But I guess they want to stay with their horse families. We sold a horse once, but I was glad. He was really scary, like, big and had these teeth like an old-timey puppet. I guess the puppets maybe had horse teeth. I’ve never made a puppet. I bet Matthew would love to make you a puppet! You should ask him. What do you do with the teeth when you kill a horse? I’ve never seen a dead horse. Saw a really sick one, so you can kind of guess what’d it look like dead, but not a real dead one. Anne? Anne! Where are you? Oh my god, Anne, you can’t pee there! That’s Mama’s secondary garden!

Anne, can I just say and I know I’m being a little bit serious but let me just say — wow, I feel like Jane Andrews — No, I just mean because I’m being so SERIOUS! Can I just say I love you? So much! You’re the best thing that ever happened to—

Sorry, sorry, sorry. No, that cordial was probably bad or something. I normally don’t puke from sugar. I have a very strong sweet tooth — Hah! God, I wish I was thin. I mean! I don’t, because obviously my body is the ideal for this time and place, plus I’ve got this adorable mouth, and, yes, you’re right, this hair, but Anne. Seriously? Seriously. You are so pretty. I wish I looked like you. Seriously! I wish I—

No, I’m sorry. I’m done. I don’t need any water. I’ll just—

Seriously, this time I’m done. Absolutely. Phew.

It’s not big deal, really! I know you meant well. You know how much I love sugar, ha. No, of course I know you did it to be nice. What do I even know about calories, you know? At least you’re not a Pye. Those bitches bring me straight butter to eat and laugh while I do. They want me to get lumpy but I’ve got a corset so joke’s on them. Wow, yeah, anyway I should definitely get back inside. Mama’s gonna wonder what we went outside for. What did we go outside for? Okay, one question then we go back in.

What are Marilla’s tits like? Anne! I’m just curious! Because the pig thing! Come on! Don’t tell me you’ve never—

Honestly, that’s the last time. Honestly. I swear. The bottle was only like half full and I’ve definitely puked like three litres. Oh man. I love you. You’re the best. Seriously? Anne? YES, MAMA WE’RE OUT HERE! I’M COMING INSIDE IN A MINUTE! WE HAVE BLANKETS! WE’RE NOT COLD! You don’t have to show me your — WHOA, hahaha okay good! Because honestly I thought the little hairs were a me thing, but the pig has them too, so I was like… but no, normal! Oh god thank god I’m so glad. Okay. THANK YOU. I feel so much lighter! Probably the puking, yeah. Probably the puking. Okay, bye Anniekins, I love you, I loved your JUICE you brought! And your boobs. Your hairy boobs! Like a pig! Like me! God, I’m tired.

I wonder what a dead horse looks like.