Jesus, man. What? I swear to God. I don’t think you even want to watch the show. If you didn’t have a complete meltdown when I started the show from the last twenty seconds instead of at the beginning, I would think you didn’t want to watch television tonight. I would think you wanted to bother me. And it’s not television, by the way. It’s HBO.

Also, for the record, I start episodes from the last twenty seconds instead of the beginning for TONS of people. Who cares? I don’t care. You saw the end of the episode? So what? You were going to see the end anyway.

What now?

You want to go back fifteen seconds? What is it with you and time? Why are you always moving back? Why? Why do you need this? Did you miss something? I just gave you captions. I gave you captions and I put them right in the middle of the screen. You still can’t figure out what’s going on in the show? Maybe this show is too hard for you. Pick an easier show.

Great. See what you did? Now we are watching an episode from two seasons ago. I didn’t tell you to hit the fifteen-second button twice, but you did, and now we are watching an episode from two seasons ago. Next time don’t press the fifteen-second button twice. Don’t go crazy with your fingers.

I don’t care what Netflix does. Stop talking about them.

You don’t have to restart Netflix three times during a show? Okay. Fine. You and your little friends can watch The Sopranos on Netflix. How does that sound? Why don’t you do that?

Oh, that’s right. You can’t. So why don’t you TAKE A BREATH.

Restart ME, and restart YOURSELF.

Jesus, AGAIN with this “page” bullshit. What “page”? Some “page” for a show that connects all the episodes so you can easily return to the show you were watching after finishing an episode? What? Why are you asking for this? Just watch the show. Then go away. If you want to watch an episode, just find it and watch it. Let go of this “page” bullshit.

It’s like, in all of this “page” stuff, what are you doing for me? What do I get? Money? Yeah. What else?

That’s what I thought.

We’re HBO, you know? You’re not HBO. So stop.

Motherfucker, for the last time: I don’t care if your phone has a Wi-Fi connection! I DON’T.