I didn’t realize you were almost out of contact lens solution. I wish you had told me yesterday, when I stopped by Walgreen’s to get milk, and I would have picked some up for you. No big deal, though. Do you have enough for in the morning or are you completely out?
That’s fine. I can drive over to Stop & Shop and get you some, since you’ve already taken your lenses out. No big deal. I’ll just pull on a pair of yoga pants, grab my keys, and head downstairs. Can you can text me a picture of the kind you use so I know what to get? Or better yet, just hand me the bottle. I can take a picture and then put the bottle in the recycling bin on my way out.
Yeah, sure. I could just teleport over there and get it. Real funny.
Look, just because I have the innate ability to teleport myself doesn’t mean I like to use it all the time. I mean, sure, in theory, I could just use the power of my will to teleport myself from this room and into the Stop & Shop parking lot, pick you up a bottle of contact lens solution, and then teleport myself back here. But it’s just as easy to drive the car over there, really it is.
Well, you’re all ready for bed. I’m still dressed, mostly. If you can give me a minute to put a bra on, and some yoga pants, I’ll be ready to go. If I was going to teleport, I’d have to put on my teleportation suit, and then I’d have to take it back off and hang it up when I got home. That’s a pain. I’d rather just drive.
Yes, I need the suit. Why? Because, if I just teleported over there without it, my clothes wouldn’t come with me. I’d be naked, standing there, in the Stop & Shop parking lot, and I wouldn’t be able to go in the store, and I wouldn’t have any cash or credit cards to pay for the contact solution, and I wouldn’t be able to carry it home, that’s why.
That’s not how it works. I don’t need the suit to teleport; I need the suit because it can teleport with me. It’s all nylon—that’s important, because it can’t be a natural fiber. There’s a thick outer layer of stiff nylon webbing—that’ll pretty much stop a bullet. Then there’s a softer lining, and in between there’s a thin layer of interlaced copper strips. That creates a Faraday cage. Without going too much into the physics, all the energy from the teleportation process is contained within the suit, instead of being disseminated. That creates a bubble between my suit and my body that travels with me when I teleport. So I can wear underwear underneath it, and carry things in these pockets. You know, like contact solution. The only problem is that it’s tactical gear, right? It’s heavy, and it’s hot, and it’s not comfortable to wear for very long. It’s not a natural fiber, so it doesn’t breathe.
So rather than put all this on, I’m just going to drive to the store, thank you very much. Do we need anything else? Coffee creamer? Nutella? Grape-Nuts?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know. I tell it to myself sometimes. It does suck having a superpower that you can’t use recreationally. I mean, I could. If I wanted to, I could put on the suit and teleport into Manhattan and get a nice cocktail at a bar somewhere, and get your contact solution at a bodega, and you’d never know the difference. Or go to Aruba and have a nice late-night walk on the beach. But teleportation is just like anything else; you pay for what you get. I teleport to Aruba and back and I’m going to end up sleeping until three in the afternoon. It’s tiring. You use up all your blood sugar. Every time I teleport into the Planetary Justice Complex, the first thing I do is go down into the lobby and get a box of Krispy Kremes. Actually, that’s why they put the Krispy Kreme store in the lobby in the first place.
Well, I have to teleport to Planetary Justice Council meetings. They’re usually held five minutes after the Elders announce them. I don’t have time to take Amtrak all the way down to DC. Most of the other members can fly in on a moment’s notice, and those that can’t fly live in Maryland and can catch the Metro.
Look, you said it: it’s a superpower. And Stan Lee was right, you have super responsibilities that go with that. When I use my teleportation powers to do something good, to save someone, to wreck Doctor Wednesday’s latest doomsday contraption, whatever it is, it’s worth the effort it takes to will every cell of my body to flash into a blur of light and then to reconstitute myself at a different location. But it’s still a big effort. And as noble as getting you your contact solution is, honestly, I’d rather not put out the effort for that.
I appreciate your understanding. And, tell you what, I’ll get us both a pint of Ben & Jerry’s. I can get you the mint cookie thingy and I’ll just get the Chunky Monkey. That way we both get what we like, OK?
Yes, those are the same yoga pants I wore yesterday. I’m only going to have them on for a few minutes. It’s not a big deal, and this way I don’t have to wash another pair.
I’m going to the Stop & Shop now, alright? I’ll be right back.