I’m not on a diet, I fast intermittently using principles derived from 22 peer-reviewed studies. Girls diet, and I am a man. What do you guys, like, eat yogurt? I don’t let anything pass my lips for 38 hours a week and an extra ten every full moon. I break my fast with a stick of yak butter, straight from the cooler. The benefits are endless: increased focus, libido, productivity, arithmetic, echolocation, foosball skills. My smartwatch constantly measures my blood sugar by sending tiny electric shocks to my ear. My brain has adapted to use tree nuts for cognitive fuel instead of glucose. It’s not about weight loss, even though I have lost 56 pounds.

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Sleep? I don’t sleep. No, instead I engage in periodic rest-hacking. Basically, my phone nudges me to nap five times a day for twenty-minute intervals, which is scientifically much better for your circadian rhythms than sleeping through the night. In the transitional phase, you might find yourself slipping up and extending one of those naps to six or nine hours. That’s fine. Once your body gets with the rest-hacking program, it will sort itself out. Or so I’m told.

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No, you don’t get it, this isn’t “water.” It’s an ice cold glass of unfiltered, untreated pond liquid. Algae is actually great for you, despite centuries of brainwashing to the contrary. We’ve got it all wrong today: filtering water takes out all the good bacteria and infectious diseases. (I should add that my startup Watero is bringing historically accurate drinking water to the 21st century.) Today if there isn’t pond scum in my bottle I feel like I’m missing something. Live water is what our cave-dwelling ancestors drank, so you gotta get off the clean water grid. Trust me.

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Frankly, this is not all all like breathing. B.R.E.A.T.H. (Biorhythm Regulation to Effectively Advance Tetra-Health) is a specially calibrated ür-system to regulate and perfect your respiratory feedback loop for peak performance. I get, on average, two extra productive waking hours each day, and my vitamin stack e-commerce side hustle has reaped all the benefits.

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I don’t do “meals” anymore. I consume… let’s see, how can I describe this in a way you would understand? Nutritionally balanced gruel that provides 110% of every vitamin known to man. Chewing is a productivity disaster.

No! It’s nothing like SlimFast.

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This may sound like copulating, but we in the Quantified Sex community don’t think of it as a biologically steered urge so much as an energy-boosting, longevity-promoting hack that promotes cell renewal. I simply keep tabs on the uterine linings of fertile females in my 10-kilometer vicinity and we RSVP at a coworking space once a year for 24 hours of synergistic intercourse. Any more frequently than that and your productivity actually goes down — and no one wants that.

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Actually, showering is really bad for you. It’s science. You should try my system: plunge in an anti-microbial chamber for about a minute at dawn. You get all the benefits of washing yourself without getting wet. Of course, you should combine this with a simple wardrobe hack (wear the same ash-gray hoodie every day of your life) so you can spend the absolute minimum cognitive effort on personal grooming. Your brain will use the extra energy to generate extra mitochondria for your fast-paced lifestyle. That is how brains work.

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No, it’s not death — it’s optimized total-body decomposition. Look it up.