Go down to your local Veterans Affairs office and you’ll hear our country’s military veterans all bemoaning the same issue about their lives post-war. The issue is not the harsh reality of post-traumatic stress disorder. Nor is it the difficulty of adapting to the simple monotony of life outside of combat zones. No, what every single brave United States veteran would like our government to fund is an extremely costly parade of soldiers and military weaponry along the boulevards of Washington, D.C. A big, expensive military parade would fix everything.
How can we claim to support the Americans who serve this country if we don’t spend a significant chunk of taxpayer dollars on a cavalcade of tanks and high-tech military hardware? We’re doing this for our veterans. It’s only a coincidence that our president happens to have a four-year-old child’s obsession with seeing big green trucks roll down the street. Although President Trump grins from ear to ear anytime he gets near the wheel of a large vehicle, this parade has absolutely nothing to do with indulging his obsession with shiny army planes. The parade will be exclusively for the benefit of our soldiers, who prefer this over a comprehensive package of healthcare and benefits.
We’ve heard the criticisms from the liberal left, who will do anything to avoid helping our brave troops. They simply don’t care about our veterans the way we do. While Democrats in Congress are pushing for vague, inadequate initiatives such as expansions to VA medical facilities and veteran-focused financial assistance programs, our administration is actually taking concrete steps to help our military personnel. We pulled several top generals from their important meetings in the Pentagon and told them to refocus all of their attention on planning a big, flashy military spectacle. Sure, 10,000 troops in Afghanistan are currently lacking any leadership because their general has been put to work obtaining a parade permit. But that’s just the kind of sacrifice we are willing to make for our country’s service members.
Our administration pledges to organize this parade even if we have to do so without taxpayer money. We’ll just creatively reshuffle some of the budget around. We can take some of the money that’s been earmarked for veteran mortgage assistance programs and instead use it on this one-day masturbatory display of military might. We think all of our veterans would agree that their mortgage payments would be better spent on the one-upmanship scheme of a delusional nationalist.
We are even committing to fixing the roads after the parade’s tanks inevitably damage the capital’s streets. We’ll simply funnel some money out of the country’s homeless veterans health care program. Problem solved. These veterans will benefit much more from a parade than they ever would from an extensive physical and psychiatric treatment program. Our veterans don’t want outreach, they want a Soviet-style procession of massive guns. This parade will solve all of this country’s veterans’ problems, more so than any mental health program ever could. God bless the troops, God bless America, and most importantly, God bless huge, unnecessary parades.