A MEETING BETWEEN
AND BRITNEY SPEARS.
GEORGE: My name’s George.
BRITNEY: I’m Britney.
GEORGE: That’s a nice name.
BRITNEY: Why are you wearing a wig?
GEORGE: You don’t think it makes me look cool?
BRITNEY: No. You just look like a creepy old man.
GEORGE: I’ll take it off.
BRITNEY: Now you just look like an old man with a sweaty forehead and false teeth.
GEORGE: You’re very impertinent. If this were a softcore teen sex fantasy, I’d turn you over my knee and spank you right now.
(Here the writer realizes that a softcore teen sex fantasy is much more salable than a tepid dialogue between two disparate notable personages.)
GEORGE: On second thought, I think I’ll go ahead with that spanking after all.
BRITNEY: I’ve been very naughty.
GEORGE: Yes. Very naughty.
(Let your imagination run wild here.)
GEORGE: Now I feel ashamed.
(Insert joke about “chopping the cherry tree” being a euphemism for something else here.)
BRITNEY: I too feel ashamed. I believe I will go take a shower until I feel clean again. A hot… soapy… shower.
GEORGE: That ought to be interesting.
(And so on. Eventually America defeats the British.)
AN INVESTIGATIVE INTERVIEW BETWEEN A SEEMINGLY UNRELIABLE NARRATOR AND A WEEBLES REPRESENTATIVE.
SEEMINGLY UNRELIABLE NARRATOR: Is it true that Weebles wobble, but they don’t fall down?
WEEBLES REPRESENTATIVE: Yes.
SUN: Does that mean they simply choose not to fall down, or that it is impossible for them to fall down?
WR: It is impossible for Weebles to fall down. And since Weebles are not living things, it is also impossible for them to choose to do anything.
SUN: Weebles aren’t alive? But what about those creepy eyes?
WR: While Weeble artisans make a concerted effort to create a lifelike appearance on each and every Weeble, I can assure you that your Weebles are not alive.
WR: Seriously, they’re not alive. Get a grip.
SUN: Okay, can we back up a little bit? Because I’m getting confused. Weebles fall down, but they don’t wobble? Is that it?
WR: No, no, no. This is not difficult. They wobble, and do not fall down. How many times do I have to say it?
SUN: Well, wait a minute now. I stuck a Weeble into some Silly Putty, and now it’s lying down. What do you have to say to that?
WR: Just because a Weeble is lying down does not mean that it fell down. Lying down is something one does on purpose, while falling down is accidental.
SUN: But how can Weebles do anything on purpose if they’re not alive?
WR: Hey. That was just a figure of speech.
SUN: Okay, I’m dropping a Weeble off the edge of the Grand Canyon. I think now you have to admit that it’s falling, don’t you?
WR: Ah, well, now you’re just taking advantage of the broader range of connotations of “fall” vis-à-vis the comparatively narrow definition of “fall down”. Perhaps this is a slightly abstruse semantic point, but while one can not fall down without falling, it is possible to fall without falling down, if you catch my drift.
SUN: Well, being seemingly unreliable, I don’t quite follow you there, but let’s move on anyway. What is inside a Weeble?
WR: Just plastic. Oh, and a single pellet of a mysterious superheavy compound from a faraway planet that fell to earth in a giant meteorite, of course.
SUN: While I’ve got you here, you don’t know what happened to my cat, do you? It was in the bedroom the last time I looked.
WR: Well, the Weebles didn’t eat it, that’s for sure! Because they’re not alive. Ha ha. Really. Not… alive. Can’t stress that enough. I have to go now.