GEORGE: Hello.


GEORGE: My name’s George.

BRITNEY: I’m Britney.

GEORGE: That’s a nice name.

BRITNEY: Why are you wearing a wig?

GEORGE: You don’t think it makes me look cool?

BRITNEY: No. You just look like a creepy old man.

GEORGE: I’ll take it off.

BRITNEY: Now you just look like an old man with a sweaty forehead and false teeth.

GEORGE: You’re very impertinent. If this were a softcore teen sex fantasy, I’d turn you over my knee and spank you right now.

(Here the writer realizes that a softcore teen sex fantasy is much more salable than a tepid dialogue between two disparate notable personages.)

GEORGE: On second thought, I think I’ll go ahead with that spanking after all.

BRITNEY: I’ve been very naughty.

GEORGE: Yes. Very naughty.

(Let your imagination run wild here.)

GEORGE: Now I feel ashamed.

(Insert joke about “chopping the cherry tree” being a euphemism for something else here.)

BRITNEY: I too feel ashamed. I believe I will go take a shower until I feel clean again. A hot… soapy… shower.

GEORGE: That ought to be interesting.

(And so on. Eventually America defeats the British.)

- - -


SEEMINGLY UNRELIABLE NARRATOR: Is it true that Weebles wobble, but they don’t fall down?


SUN: Does that mean they simply choose not to fall down, or that it is impossible for them to fall down?

WR: It is impossible for Weebles to fall down. And since Weebles are not living things, it is also impossible for them to choose to do anything.

SUN: Weebles aren’t alive? But what about those creepy eyes?

WR: While Weeble artisans make a concerted effort to create a lifelike appearance on each and every Weeble, I can assure you that your Weebles are not alive.

SUN: But—

WR: Seriously, they’re not alive. Get a grip.

SUN: Okay, can we back up a little bit? Because I’m getting confused. Weebles fall down, but they don’t wobble? Is that it?

WR: No, no, no. This is not difficult. They wobble, and do not fall down. How many times do I have to say it?

SUN: Well, wait a minute now. I stuck a Weeble into some Silly Putty, and now it’s lying down. What do you have to say to that?

WR: Just because a Weeble is lying down does not mean that it fell down. Lying down is something one does on purpose, while falling down is accidental.

SUN: But how can Weebles do anything on purpose if they’re not alive?

WR: Hey. That was just a figure of speech.

SUN: Okay, I’m dropping a Weeble off the edge of the Grand Canyon. I think now you have to admit that it’s falling, don’t you?

WR: Ah, well, now you’re just taking advantage of the broader range of connotations of “fall” vis-à-vis the comparatively narrow definition of “fall down”. Perhaps this is a slightly abstruse semantic point, but while one can not fall down without falling, it is possible to fall without falling down, if you catch my drift.

SUN: Well, being seemingly unreliable, I don’t quite follow you there, but let’s move on anyway. What is inside a Weeble?

WR: Just plastic. Oh, and a single pellet of a mysterious superheavy compound from a faraway planet that fell to earth in a giant meteorite, of course.

SUN: While I’ve got you here, you don’t know what happened to my cat, do you? It was in the bedroom the last time I looked.

WR: Well, the Weebles didn’t eat it, that’s for sure! Because they’re not alive. Ha ha. Really. Not… alive. Can’t stress that enough. I have to go now.