Ineffective Ways to Subdue a Jaguar

1. Hit him with a sock full of pennies.

2. Bite him to make him think you’re a jaguar.

3. Punch-punch-overhead kick combo.

4. Tell him that your mommy’s not home.

5. Read from a biography of a former United States president in a soothing voice.

6. Quickly make a fake female jaguar and place it in front of a large, flat stone on which you’ve painted a doorway.

7. The four legs of a chair, all moving simultaneously.

8. Pat him on the back until he burps.

9. Death roll.