Men, are you tired of being treated like a goddamned cuck by the CHINAVIRUS? Pissed off that Olive Garden won’t let you inside unless you’re wearing a thin piece of FABRIC on your face? Has your manhood taken a hit because chicks can’t see your greying goatee when it’s hidden by “SCIENCE”?
God granted you high levels of testosterone to make you immune to disease, yet your civil liberties are being trampled on by SNOWFLAKEY assholes who won’t let you show off your manly man mouth. What’s a gladiator like you to do when liberal PUSSIES tamper with your right to both catch and spread a deadly virus?
Introducing MUSK: The Mask for Men.
Our masks aren’t made out of SOFT FABRICS. None of that BREATHABLE DAINTY ASS COTTON for us, Jack. OUR masks are made from material that’s as TOUGH and unyielding and uncomfortable as the comments you leave on Barstool Sports’ articles about how lady sports commentators SUCK.
Once we receive payment to our offshore bitcoin account, we’ll custom make your MUSK Mask from one of the following HARDCORE textiles:
- Muscle Car Leather Seats
- Gold’s Gym Tank Tops
- Talladega Superspeedway asphalt
- Assorted Sturgis Motorcycle Rally memorabilia and collectibles
- Slats that fell off THE INDESTRUCTIBLE BORDER WALL
- Grit 7000 High-Precision Sandpaper Sheets
- Crunchy, yet moist strip club dollar bills
- The hide from a rabid honey badger
- 18-gauge, 4-point galvanized barbed wire (in Steely Silver, Midnight Black, or Cuck-free Copper)
- Shards of Russian vodka bottles
- 1993-1998 issues of Playboy — when women were WOMEN
- Giordano’s Famous Chicago Stuffed Deep Dish Pizza Crust (Must be worn within 24 hours)
And, when it’s time for a special occasion, like a Proud Boys awards banquet or a White House superspreader event, show those jabronis that you’re the most macho of all by draping your face in something from our MUSK Luxury Mask Collection, featuring fabrics collected from rare and sometimes illegal sources:
- Felt from a Golden Nugget blackjack table once puked on by Steve McQueen
- Armor plating from an M1 Abrams battle tank
- African elephant tail donated by AMERICAN PATRIOT Don Jr.
- Genetically replicated and regrown tissue sample of Clint Eastwood’s foreskin
- Authentically bloodstained Civil War uniform undershirt
- Paul Manafort’s ostrich jacket sleeves (pending release from FBI evidence room)
- Upside-down Mexico flag signed by William Barr with the inscription, CAGE ’EM UP!
- Commemorative President Donald J. TRUMP authentic gold1 coins2 celebrating his 2020 election win3
MUSK for Men masks are designed to be 1-inch shorter than most standard masks, meaning they won’t COVER your NOSE and you can breathe in the sweet, sweet scent of America, brother. And if the greeter at Walmart has a problem with that, feel free to throw hands and KNOCK that elderly fucker OUT, because every MUSK mask is also imprinted with the 1-800 number for super lawyer Rudy Giuliani’s office. Because freedom isn’t always FREE and it sometimes requires A SIZABLE HOURLY RATE.
As the superior gender, species, and race of the planet, white men know that wearing a face mask is for weak, FAUCI-LOVING SHEEPLE. But if you have to wear one, do it with masculine style, even if you’re on your way to the hospital with no health insurance to get hooked up to a ventilator. Only then will you need to take this BADGE OF AMERICAN HONOR off your quickly reddening face while you gasp for air and whisper, “It’s a HOAX."
So this pandemic (and the next one and the one after that!), be part of a dying breed. Be a man — A MUSK Mask Man.
1 Not actually gold.
2 Not actually coins.
3 Not actually a win YET.