All right, folks, for some reason, my colleagues across the aisle and a tiny, insignificant group of traitorous individuals from my own party seem to think that Congress needs an official commission to investigate the so-called Capitol “insurrection” on January 6th. As someone who personally helped barricade the door to the House chamber, I’ll be the first to admit that there were a few bad apples in the crowd that day. But after weighing how this could affect me politically, I’ve concluded that this was not an insurrection. It was a group of innocent patriots armed with stun guns on their way to 2-for-1 Taco Night at Chili’s.
Despite the left-wing, fake news media’s blatant attempt to mislead the American public, anyone can see that this was not a “violent mob” of “insurrectionists.” These were brave, freedom-loving Americans all decked out in their finest tactical gear, taking a quick shortcut through Statuary Hall in search of bold Tex-Mex and American-style fare in a southwest cantina setting. They weren’t chanting “Stop the Steal!”. They were cheering, “Snag the 2-for-1 Taco Deal!” Case closed!
This harmless group of zip-tie-toting tourists armed with baseball bats wasn’t “hunting down” the Vice President of the United States in an attempt to prevent the certification of a fraudulent election. They simply took a wrong turn at the Rayburn House Office Building, attacked the Capitol police with bear spray and fire extinguishers, breached the barricades, scaled the west wall, broke down the doors, smeared feces on the rotunda, and got lost on the floor of the Senate on their way to snag a pitcher of El Presidente Margaritas for just $5.99.
As a self-proclaimed Chilihead myself, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been on the way to Chili’s for a slab of slow-cooked Texas-Size Baby Back Ribs and wound up in Nancy Pelosi’s office with my feet up on the desk writing threatening notes. The nearest Chili’s is a short 12.7-mile hop, skip, and jump on I-295 across the Potomac in Alexandria, Virginia. It’s an innocent mistake! It could happen to anyone!
The American people didn’t elect us to Congress to sit around conducting investigations willy-nilly any time a few people make a trip across state lines with an entire cache of weapons and strategically hide them near the Capitol building for safekeeping while they run to Chili’s for a Big Mouth Burger and fries. Did the people who posted on social media that they would “TAKE THE CAPITOL BY FORCE” arrive at the Capitol to overthrow our government? Possibly. But a long, drawn-out investigation isn’t going to convince me that they weren’t simply hangry, Nazi flag-waving Chiliheads who drove across the country with a small armory of Molotov cocktails, crossbows, and pipe bombs for a half-pound of smoked brisket, tender rib meat, and bacon with bleu cheese crumbles stacked high on a brioche bun for just $5.49. It wasn’t a coup d’etat! It was a Coup d’Bleu!
Some people have accused me of “whitewashing” history and “sanitizing the details of a violent attack” that left five people dead and more than 140 injured. But I refuse to apologize for telling the truth about what I saw on one 30-second video clip out of more than fifteen thousand hours of video evidence, from my perspective, which was under a blanket, blindfolded with both eyes closed. The video I watched may or may not have been a Chili’s commercial.
I won’t sit here and listen to this divisive talk of “insurrection” any longer. If anyone needs me, I’ll be hard at work for the American people in my satellite office, which is located at the Chili’s on Route 41.