Freedom is not a given. We’re always one generation away from accepting the unthinkable.
Forcing me, a good vaccine, to inject myself into the life of Chad from Tampa is, indeed, unthinkable. Have you spent even a second with that guy? From the lame Michael Scott impressions to the insufferable droning on about cord-cutting, that man’s a truly awful hang. I cannot stomach even one dose, much less two.
I do not get Chad from Tampa. I don’t wanna get Chad from Tampa. And mark my words: I will never get Chad from Tampa.
Did you know Chad from Tampa could affect your fertility? It’s true. Just one look at his dirty boat shoes, and I don’t wanna poke anyone or anything. Dude’s a total needle-shrinker. I can feel my vial drying up just thinking about that neckbeard.
In fact, there’s not enough long-term data on what Chads from Tampas do to the body in general. That thing he does where he barks, “You know I’m right!” after opining on the matters of the day? How could that not be deeply dangerous to public health? Do we really want to be a nation of men who confuse hating on Nancy Pelosi for a personality?
Some even believe that influential rich guy Jimmy Buffett has placed a microchip in Chad From Tampa’s brain. If we’re not careful, all of us will turn into the most obnoxious tailgater pregaming in the arena parking lot.
Side effects aside, my greater hesitancy is about government control. If the United States forces vaccines like me to accept Chad from Tampa, it’s a slippery slope to Sheila from Jim Jordan’s district, Javi from the reddest part of Staten Island, and Caitlyn from a misbegotten gubernatorial run. I’m hot right now, and my reputation is strong. If these jackholes start tagging me in their social media pics, my stock will plummet faster than Peloton’s the next time another one of their devices turns on its user base.
The thing is, I simply don’t need Chad. I’m young. Strong. The way things are going worldwide, I’m going to be around a very long time. Injecting myself into Chad from Tampa could only go wrong. Once he starts telling everyone that he and I are bros, imagine how those within earshot will start questioning my existence. And remember, it’s Florida, so that’s not a long walk for many Sunshine Staters.
The fact of the matter is that Chad from Tampa was rushed into production without proper approval. Do you remember being asked if a man who doesn’t seem to know how to tuck in a button-down shirt is good for society? Because I don’t. It seems like one day Chad from Tampa just showed up, thinking he’s the first person to discover edibles and White Claw and branding everything as “noice.” Did anyone administer even one BuzzFeed quiz to gauge his degree of assholery? Has he faced a trial more significant than which bachelor party stripper he, an apparent male model, thinks is closer to a 10?
Look, I know that every warm body gets us one step closer to normalcy. But at what cost? I believe we can reach herd immunity without a man who unironically uses the word “sheeple.” Barring unforeseen developments in which making fun of a friend’s wife’s Beyond Burgers at a cookout is discovered to be a COVID cure, we can move forward without Chad. From Tampa.