Entrance to Egg Roll: Free for all legal citizens via online lottery.
Actual entrance to Egg Roll: $5,000 for all white GOP members via online donation.
Tremendous Trump Easter basket: $100,000. Basket includes two Trump steaks, a copy of Russian for Dummies, wiretapps, and solid gold jelly beans.
Meet Peter Cottontail AKA Sean Spicer in a bunny suit: $75, plus three packs of gum.
Plastic Eggs filled with Kelly Anne Conway’s alternative facts: Gratis for any attendee who doesn’t possess critical thinking skills.
Disdainful glance in the general vicinity of your children from Melania: One pussy hat in good condition.
Photo Op with President Trump: $2,000 or ten retweets.1
Blouses from the discontinued Ivanka line: $2.99, but you must agree to slam Nordstrom on your mom blog.
Baby Chick from Speaker Paul Ryan: Whatever cash you have in your pocket, as well as the complete loss of your reproductive rights.
Egg hunting help by the Trump brothers: $10,000, but you will find no eggs because they won’t stop arguing over who is in really in charge.
Faberge eggs hidden by special Russian friends: Price dependent on your influence.
Vladimir Putin Back Rub: $12,000.2
Eggrolls with Chinese Prime Minister Li Keqiang: $10,000.3
Pussy grabs: Free.4
Additional events priced at $5,000 each: The (Playboy) Bunny Easter Parade, Pin the Bunny Tail on Tiffany Trump, First Annual-NRA-sponsored Egg Shoot Off.
Bonus: Anyone who finds the Golden Egg will get to keep their civil liberties!5
1 Photo is with a cardboard cut-out of the president because he will be golfing at Mar-a-Lago.
2 You will be rubbing Vlad’s back, not the reverse. Vlad will also oversee the Egg Toss and determine the winner. Vlad will be the winner.
3 This option has been canceled because we now realize we may not have explained the event very well to the Chinese.
4 Only if you’re a “10” — otherwise, gross.
5 There is no Golden Egg.