“President Donald Trump is preparing to issue around 100 pardons and commutations on his final full day in office Tuesday, according to three people familiar with the matter.” — CNN, 1/18/21

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Let me get this straight: Jesus forgave all of humanity and he’s a hero. Me? I forgive a few pals, and I’m the bad guy. Well, you know what? It’s my last day in office. I don’t care anymore. I’m pardoning everyone.

Everyone at Guantanamo Bay? Pardoned. The entire population of Leavenworth Penitentiary? Pardoned. Lori Laughlin, your uncle who did insurance fraud, El Chapo? Pardoned. Is the Unabomber still alive? He’s now pardoned. Jared from Subway? Pardoned. Everyone currently in jail is now free. Immediately.

I don’t even care if they’re real people. Hannibal Lecter? Pardoned. Darth Vader? Pardoned. Bugs Meany from Encyclopedia Brown? Pardoned.

Do you know that painting of George Washington in the Oval Office? I sold it on Etsy. The Lincoln Bedroom? I’ve been renting it out on Airbnb for raves. Fort Knox? I transferred the entire contents to Mar-a-Lago. Alaska? I sold it back to the Russians for cash. Crimes? Not anymore. Pardoned.

I just deported Anderson Cooper, even though he’s a citizen. I imported Russell Crowe, even though he didn’t want to come. Is this legal? Who cares? Pardoned.

And this isn’t just for crimes. Don’t call your grandma enough? Pardoned. Got into the wrong Uber but took it anyway because it was going near to where you were going? Pardoned. Porch-pirated the PS5 your neighbor ordered? Pardoned.

Old crimes too. John Wilkes Booth? Pardoned. Al Capone? Pardoned. Benedict Arnold? Pardoned. Adam and Eve? Pardoned.

“But it will be so dangerous with all these ex-criminals on the streets…” Not for me. I’ll be their hero. In fact, we’re forming a gang. We’ll get nice jackets, we’ll snap our fingers, and we’ll call ourselves the T-Rexes. I’m looking forward to it.

It’s probably illegal for me to reveal national security secrets, but here goes: Aliens? Real. Antarctica? Fake. Elephants? Real. Kangaroos? Fake. The JFK assassination? Jackie did it. Fidel Castro? A robot. What are you going to do, arrest me? Pardoned.

And I’m not playing political favorites: Crooked Hillary, Shifty Schiff, Anthony Weiner? Pardoned. Spiro Agnew, Steve Bannon, Michael Cohen? Pardoned. Wasn’t Ed Meese in trouble for something in the ’80s? Pardoned.

I’ve also pre-pardoning myself for shoplifting Cool Ranch Doritos for the rest of my life. If I’m in a store, and I see Cool Ranch Doritos? I’m just taking them. Same with McDonald’s. And The Sharper Image. They have this cool thing called the Ultimate Fat Freezer, and I’m just going to take it. Don’t even try to stop me. I’ve got the Constitution on my side.

Non-violent drug offenders? Pardoned. Serial killers? Pardoned. Everyone else? Pardoned.

And me? Especially me? I’m pardoned. For everything. For all of it. Pardoned.