My fellow Americans, now that the Supreme Court has spoken, and in the span of one week solidified both same-sex marriage and the Affordable Care Act for future generations, it is clear that the nation I envisioned when I entered this office six and a half years ago is taking shape. And, frankly, given that many of my more vocal political opponents are turning their attention toward their own presidential campaigns, I expect the next year-plus to go pretty smoothly. I’ll just sort of do my thing while you all watch John King add up delegates on some holographic white board.

So it is with that in mind that I state, for the record, that I, Barack Hussein Obama, am now, and have always been, a devoted citizen of the African nation of Kenya. The birthers were right all along.

But what about the birth certificate? Well, I “produced” that “birth certificate” on Photoshop. It took me about fifteen minutes. Malia showed me how, and she was only nine years old at the time. It was incredibly easy. We even did Michelle’s that way.

Michelle’s from Kenya, too.

Given the fact that I’m releasing this statement in the wake of recent political victories, some may accuse me of “spiking the football” on my opponents. And to them I respond: I don’t get the metaphor. Are you talking about American football? Because we don’t play that in Kenya, where I’m from.

Just to reiterate: I was born in Kenya, and that is where my loyalties lie.

I’ll be honest. It feels good to get that off my chest. Now I can, with a clear head, get back to the task at hand: building a nation where every American can marry a fish while smoking hashish through a rolled-up Constitution, all paid for by the new 100% “freedom tax” I’m imposing on white people.

Okay, that’s it, everybody. Thank you for your time. May God bless these United States of America, for now, while that’s still legal.