Dear Fellow Nurturer:
Thank you and congratulations for taking care of our daughter, Ovul, while we are gone.
The following sets forth some basic information about Ovul and instructions for her care. As discussed during the sixth screening interview, it is important to us that you feel completely relaxed and comfortable while you enjoy your time with Ovul in our house. Please countersign at the end of this document and initial each page to indicate that you agree to feel completely relaxed and comfortable while you enjoy your time with Ovul in those parts of our house to which you are allowed access.
What You Need To Know About Ovul
- Ovul is six months old
- Ovul is Pisces Ascendant
- Ovul is in the 99th percentile for height and moral awareness
- Ovul currently identifies as female
- Ovul has flaxen hair
- Ovul is an ideal weight for someone with her frame
- Ovul has eyes the color of the Himalayas at sunrise
- Ovul has two parents, one of whom has a paying job
- Ovul is pre-diabetic and pre-depressed
- Ovul has been fully immunized against negativity and excessive consumerism
- Ovul is smart, athletic, curious, a problem solver, and an accomplished yogi
- Ovul leans in
What We Need To Know About You
- You are patient
- You are compassionate
- You are kind
- You are kind of flexible on our return time
- You know CPR
- You know how to eliminate the smell of vomit from a crib sheet
- You know you are being filmed
- You know that we will never consider you an “employee” no matter how many hours you work for us
- You accept bitcoin
- You accept your lot in life
- You can find humor in devastating personal humiliation
- You can believe this gig will get better even if it won’t
- You can believe in something bigger than yourself even if she is smaller than you
Ovul takes a bottle, as Jamie no longer shows any interest in breastfeeding. We make our own formula. In a blender, please mix together the following ingredients, some of which you will have to grow: mint chutney, daikon, sunflower sprouts, yams, roasted cauliflower, kelp noodles, and sprouted probiotic brown rice. If Ovul gags convulsively during her feeding, it is okay to comfort her with a warm bottle of raw camel milk. Ovul eats 3-14 times a day.
Ovul is allergic to honey, tree nuts, peanuts (including the cartoon), Android-based cell phones, foam, fracking, wall-to-wall carpet, gels, plastic, copper, network television, humidity, the holidays, flannel, thick fur, and pressure.
We practice “elimination communication” with Ovul, so there is no need for diapers. Ovul will clearly signal to you that she needs to use the bathroom by either scrunching up her face, shifting around restlessly, or peeing down your back. If you are ever unsure if Ovul is signalling you, you can also rely on your intuition. For example, if you have the sense Ovul needs to pee, that probably means she needs to pee or it might mean that she has already peed in your tote bag.
Ovul is allowed 10 minutes of screen time a week, with the exception of the following videos, which she can watch on an unlimited basis: Jamie giving birth; Jamie practicing her TED talk; Jamie delivering her TED talk.
Ovul is sensitive to WiFi. If you need WiFi, please use the neighbors’.
Research consistently shows that early exposure to classical music helps in the development of a child’s creativity, memory, literacy, social development, motor skills, cognition, immune function, spatial intelligence, emotional intelligence, empathy, self-expression and self-esteem. But Jamie hates classical music and would rather just obsessively play Joni Mitchell’s Blue all day long, so that’s probably what you and Ovul will be listening to.
Ovul has been identified by Jeff as high achieving/highly gifted/high income. Please engage Ovul in intellectually appropriate and stimulating games, including chess, Monopoly, flash trading, and statistical arbitrage.
At sunset, please take Ovul for a light jog of 13 miles at a 5:30/mile pace. Please use the Team Six AWD Hybrid Stroller in the garage. Please note, this stroller easily converts to a car seat, changing table, and tree house.
Play with Ovul should be entirely child-directed but should always incorporate at least two lightly sanded wood blocks and a recycled piece of hemp cloth. Praise should be limited and specific. For example, if Ovul hides one of the wood blocks under the recycled piece of hemp cloth, you should look up from your phone and say “Wow, you hid the sanded wood block under the recycled piece of hemp cloth!” instead of “Hey, let’s do something else.”
Ovul enjoys stories by Dr. Seuss, Mo Willems, Margaret Wise Brown, Martin Amis, Haruki Murakami, and God. She is currently reading Infinite Jest, which we made into a 178-volume board book and store in what used to be the master bedroom. She is on volume two.
We believe strongly in the importance of exposing Ovul to foreign languages and cultures. Whenever possible, please speak to Ovul with a southern accent.
Rules of the House
- No swearing
- No sweating
- No sugar
- No stevia
- No scented personal products
- No sports
- No use of your phone other than to tell us you can stay late
- No visitors
- No Gladiator sandals
- No use of the word no
- No exceptions
Leaving the House
Other than to jog with Ovul and shop for the ancient grains listed on the back of this note, please do not leave the house while we are away. If you do find you have to drive somewhere, please use your own car, which should be electric. To the extent they are not inconsistent with Ovul’s needs, please obey all traffic laws and respect the rights of other drivers.
In the event of an emergency, don’t waste your time calling Jeff’s mom. She’s useless. When Ovul was born she came out for two weeks and didn’t do anything and lectured us the entire time. She actually didn’t even stay the full two weeks.
Location of Items You May Need
Candles: If the power goes out, you can probably find a few candles in the basement. Please do not use the Diptyque candles you see in every room of the house.
First Aid Kit: We have a first aid kit in our vacation home in Joshua Tree.
Fusebox: No idea.
Gas shut off: No idea.
Fire Extinguisher: Jeff hasn’t picked one up despite Jamie asking him to like a 1000 times.
Flashlight: With first aid kit.
Ovul does not have a “naptime.” She naps when she is tired. Some signs Ovul is feeling tired include yawning, rubbing her face, touching her ears, yanking on your ears, spitting in your eyes, screaming, pointing at the crib, crawling to the crib, putting her head down on a flat surface and descending into what appears to be a coma.
Please use the following routine when putting Ovul to bed for the night. IMPORTANT: you must begin this routine no later than 11:00 am: bath, story, bath, bottle, dance, song, bath, peek-a-boo, vacuum, walk, bath, interstate drive, bath, story, bottle, Harvey Karp, bouncy chair, bath, swing, count-every-star-in-the-night-sky-and-make-a-different-farm animal-noise-for-every-star, bath, bouncy chair, hair dryer, Harvey Karp, Target run, classical music, jazz, country, alt country, trip hop, story, bath. If Ovul still has trouble going to bed, there is a large bottle of lorazepam in the medicine cabinet. Take four and when you wake up, Ovul should be asleep.
If you have any other questions, Jamie’s parents and our regular nanny will be here with you while we are gone.
We will be back in half an hour.
— Jamie and Jeff