Greetings, Comrades Kaganovich and Molotov:

I write to you today with new directives, and to address my suspicions that our fourth roommate, Chad, may be engaging in counter-revolutionary activities. This morning I awoke to find that the leftover slice of Mellow Mushroom Pizza that I had obtained at a meeting of the executive presidium had been stolen by Chad, who has previously displayed bourgeois capitalist tendencies. I therefore issue a new law prohibiting the theft of collective property without executive approval.

If there are any objections to my proposal on promulgating a law against the theft of cooperative and collective apartment pizza, give the following explanation. Capitalism could not have smashed feudalism, it would not have developed and solidified, if it had not declared the principle of private property to be the foundation of capitalist society and if it had not made private property sacred property, with any violation of its interests strictly punished and with the creation of its own state to protect it.

Socialism will not be able to finish off and bury capitalist elements and individualistic, self-seeking habits, practices and traditions (which are the basis of theft) that shake the foundations of this apartment unless it declares public property (belonging to cooperatives, collective farms, or the pizza-consuming bodies) to be sacred and inviolable. It cannot strengthen and develop the new system and socialist construction, unless it protects the property of collective apartments, cooperatives, and the state with all its might unless it prevents antisocial, capitalist-kulak elements from stealing collectively-owned leftover pizza. I have reason to believe that Chad is behind this theft of apartment property. That is why a new law is needed. We don’t have such a law. This gap must be filled in. It, i.e. the new law, could be called something like: “On Protection of the Property of Public Enterprises (including collective apartments, cooperatives, pizza consuming bodies, et al.) and the Strengthening of the Principle of Public (Apartment) Food Ownership.” If the proposal is accepted, send me an advance draft law.

Yesterday I sent you a number of telegrams on issues that we discussed in the Politburo. I want to explain our decisions on some of these issues in this letter in more detail. First, on financial measures. We adopted a number of resolutions, which I have already written you about and which were already partly summarized in Comrade Kaganovich’s memorandum on the rent. We should consider the liquidation of landlords as a class, so that we may divert rent resources to other projects more pertinent to the development of Socialism. I suggest developing heavy industry in Chad’s room.

In addition to this there is an additional new measure: first is the reduction of Chad’s lacrosse sticks from the foyer; even if it were not related to financial measures, we should do this because I suspect Chad may be using them to conduct counter-revolutionary bourgeois activities with his fraternity members. Of course in doing this we must avoid, as you once said at a Politburo meeting, a purely mechanical approach. A reduction must by no means turn into a purge. We can replace them with productive socialist instruments such as beets, woodcutting materials, and Marxist texts.

The second measure is riskier and more controversial. I personally, to be honest about it, had doubts about its advisability, but we more or less all agreed that we could probably go through with my directive to sell Chad’s BMW in order to raise funds to hire and train an apartment security police. Using this support we could engage in more revolutionary activities in the interest of worldwide socialism and begin to remove bourgeois specialists from the apartment (Chad). I suggest we collectivize Chad’s fraternity and begin to convert it into a collective agricultural production facility so that we may produce grain that can be requisitioned in the name of state interest.

The third measure is to begin work on the “Monument of Soviets” outside of the student union Starbucks. The “monument” should be in the form of a tall column and feature a hammer and sickle atop the column that will be electrically lit from within. If possible, place three statues of Marx, Engels, and Lenin in front of the monument.

J. Stalin.