The train that is approaching is out of service.

The rats scurrying across subway tracks are trained professionals. Their feats of dexterity and derring-do should not be attempted.

You must always offer your seat to someone elderly or pregnant, even though you are exhausted and had to deal with Neil from sales all freaking day.

The person sitting next to you in subway car will be reading something interesting, while you play Fruit Ninja on your phone.

The person sitting next to you will catch you reading over their shoulder. Person will turn the page before you are finished.

While standing in a crowded subway car, the person pressing up against your back will be creepy and not cute.

While standing in a crowded subway car, person you are pressed up against will think you are creepy and not cute. Especially when you sway together as the subway lurches along, and you can’t stop yourself from humming, “Smoke Gets In Your Eyes.”

The only empty seat in subway car will have Ebola. Or Zika. Or Hepatitis. Or the carcass of a roasted chicken.

Subway advertisements are from three years ago, no longer valid, and should be considered for nostalgia purposes only.

If a man is “manspreading” — spreading his legs wide and therefore taking up two seats — you are legally allowed to sit on his lap. If you are small and elderly, the entire car is allowed to applaud.

Subway dancers will thwack you in the head as they spin on pole. They will then ask you for money.

Subway singers will burst into car, jingling their bag of coins to the beat as they sing an a cappella version of “This Little Light of Mine.”

Children will — in zombie-like voices — ask the car if anyone wants to buy candy for $1. They are not raising money for their basketball team. They are in a cult or on drugs. Do not buy candy. Unless, of course, they have Twix for $1. You could totally go for a Twix.

The train will not stop in the middle of the tunnel because of “train traffic ahead.” This is a lie. The train will stop because Marge, who is driving the train ahead, has forgotten her bag in the break room and needed to stop at 42nd street to dash out and get it. Oh, Marge.

The emergency brake must never be pulled, even in the case of Emergencies. It says so right there on the instructions. We are unsure why there is an emergency brake.

The train will always stop working in Brooklyn.