McSweeney’s Internet Tendency’s 9th Most-Read Article of 2016

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“I’m just checking in.” = Where is that thing you promised I’d have by now?

“Sorry to bother you again.” = Why can’t you do your fucking job?

“I feel bad for making you do this.” = You should feel bad for not having done this already.

“This was helpful.” = This would’ve been helpful two weeks ago.

“Sorry if I somehow missed your email.” = We both know you never emailed me.

“Thanks for the explanation.” = If you had told me this last week, you would’ve saved me a lot of time.

“Perhaps there was a misunderstanding.” = You didn’t fucking listen to me.

“I suppose that’s one way to go about it.” = Stop improvising and just do what I asked you to do.

“Sorry if my instructions were unclear.” = Are you a fucking moron?

“If you could get to this in the next couple of days, that would be great.” = Do this immediately if you know what’s good for you.

“I just want to make sure we are on the same page.” = I worry you didn’t understand my simple instructions and will fuck this up.

“I can’t remember if I already asked you to do this.” = I’ve asked you four times and you still haven’t done it.

“We don’t have a lot of flexibility in the schedule.” = You’d better get it done by my deadline or else.

“Let me know if you have any questions.” = Do not bother me with your stupidity.

“Thank you for your help.” = I would’ve done it much faster myself.