Hello, other holidays, it’s me, Presidents Day. How are you? Are you having a nice winter? Did you enjoy yourself, New Year’s Day? How about you, Christmas? Thanksgiving? Were you fun this year? I hope you all were wonderful, because I want this to hit hard.

Most of you are bullshit.

You. Are. Bullshit.

Let me explain something to you dickheads: Maybe like five of us are real holidays, and fucking New Year’s Day is NOT one of them. What kind of cockamamie national holiday is “Uhhh, well, it’s the first day of the year and everyone will probably be hungover”? I’ll tell you what kind of cockamamie holiday that is, it’s fucking New Year’s Day.

Do you understand what “president” refers to? It refers to 40+ exceptional people (and a couple sentient bags of trash) who had the distinguished honor of leading this country, and in many ways shaping the entire planet. A day honoring them is special. It matters. It is also — and I can’t drive this point home hard enough — more special to become a president than it is to be LITERALLY ANY DAY IN THE ENTIRE YEAR BECAUSE THAT’S WHAT NEW YEAR’S DAY IS. IT’S ONE GODDAMN DAY OUT OF 365. EVERY DAY IS AS RARE AS NEW YEAR’S DAY.

Think I’m picking on NYD here and don’t have a case for the other ones? OK. How about Thanksgiving? The first amendment to the US Constitution begins: “Amendment I. Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof…” soooo I dunno, maybe when Abe Lincoln, that tall drink-of-manufactured-charm, proclaimed a holiday of “Thanksgiving and Praise to our beneficent Father who dwelleth in the Heavens,” MAYBE that was kind of bullshit too, huh? Ever think of that, Thanksgiving, You fucking mediocre-meat loving twat?

Side note: same goes for you, Christmas.

Veterans Day? Memorial Day? Independence Day? Y’all are kickin’ ass, and I appreciate you because you actually represent something, but ain’t it some kind of shit that companies are like “You get six holidays a year: Christmas and New Year’s Day are given, but you’ll basically have to pick between Veterans Day, Presidents’ Day, and MLK Day.” Sure. That seems fair. Let’s not mandate the days that actually honor heroes, but let’s make damn certain that 1/4 of your employees can walk out of work on a random Wednesday to get a smudge on their forehead because of a religion. You’re an embarrassment to the term “holiday,” Ash Wednesday.

You know what? Maybe I’m overreacting. Maybe I’m selfish. Maybe Labor Day — whatever the fuck you are — really is more important than the highest office in the country. Or maybe this country is dumb as shit.

Look, if you can show me a human who fully understands what Labor Day is, I will show you a human who definitely received a swirly in junior high.

So what’s my answer? I’ll tell you: No one ever goes to school on Presidents’ Day again. No one pretends that arbitrary religious holidays matter. And what the hell — let’s reconsider the fact that I, Presidents’ Day, am not even a goddamn federal holiday. The holiday is still technically just “Washington’s Birthday,” but somewhere along the line people started calling it “Presidents’ Day.” How do you think that makes me feel? I’m some kind of Pinocchio/Frankenstein’s monster holiday that people can’t even remember. Quick: Am I in January or February? Do you have any idea where the apostrophe is supposed to go in my name? Can you even name one-quarter of the people I’m celebrating?

In closing, I hate you guys. Have fun watching kids have the day off school on Good Friday. I’ll just be waiting for my time, getting ignored, and remembering some of the most important people to ever live in the United States (and trying to forget a couple of real shitters).