Hey there, esteemed colleagues. I want to apologize that during our Zoom meeting when I was crouched out of sight and yelling to my husband in the other room, you all could hear me. First, let me go on record that I didn’t mean it when I shouted that the amount of energy and time that this job sucks out of my life isn’t worth the pennies it throws me. In fact, I’d like to emphasize that the income provided by this generous employment affords the exact amount of money needed for my daily expenses — like food, rent, bills, and not a cent more. Breaking even! That’s the aging millennial’s dream, amirite?

If I may, I want to state how sorry I am to specific individuals who I mentioned while unwittingly unmuted. To my manager, it came out wrong when I said that you’ve only used this pandemic to amplify your already overweening authoritarian impulses. It was intended to be a prank that I couldn’t have imagined your suffocating surveillance of our performance becoming even more oppressive while working from home. That you’ve used the technology available to create a Foucauldian nightmare rivaling the most dystopian future imaginable was supposed to be a silly riff. Just roasting you, buddy.

To the company president, I was definitely not serious when I said that you are the human embodiment of unearned privilege and represent the worst of a system that rewards the most feckless and mediocre among us. I thought I was screaming into the void that your refusal to make our building wheelchair accessible for the sixteenth straight year shows that you’re as callous as you are lazy, not right into your home office. Had I known you could hear me, I would never have jeered about you taking time off and leaving early any time you want to while the rest of us toil away day in and day out. It was meant to be funny, like in an ironic way. Hehe!

As for my dear co-workers, surely you know I was only playing around when I exclaimed that we should band together and overthrow our exploitive overlords. Of course, I could not have been on the level in saying that we would be better off cooperatively running this shit show ourselves as the essential force that makes this operation function. You all know that I don’t really think that our bosses are parasitic leeches who make more than twice our salaries for doing nothing more than policing our daily activities and keeping us from implementing any creative or productive improvements here. I’m sorry I revealed our little inside joke to the people who decide whether or not we sleep under a bridge.

In general, I would like to dispel any inkling that my comments that were unknowingly audible to you all were genuine. I don’t really believe that this job is a searing indictment of the private, employer-based healthcare system which shackles us to a job that crushes our spirit out of the sheer terror of being unable to get treatment for our sick kids. All of this was meant as satire. I was making fun of the Bernie bros, y’all. You know, all those misogynist douchebags who think everyone should have healthcare, free college, and a viable, decent future.

The one sincere thing I did say was that it would be a nightmare to be unemployed and face eviction during a pandemic, so I hope everybody appreciated my light ribbing. I’m so grateful to work for people who have a great sense of humor and look forward to our next Zoom meeting!