For conspiracy theorists, medicine can be a tough pill to swallow. Mainly because most of them believe the pill was synthesized by a shadowy organization and will give them a terminal disease. And not a good terminal disease like ALS-2, the Lou Gehrig’s disease variation that makes you the luckiest man alive and doesn’t affect your health.

Are big pharmaceutical companies keeping the world sick to fatten their coffers? Are government organizations creating strains of viruses so powerful that even the syringes used to inject them are getting sick and dying? Are germs even real or just a bunch of nonsense created by Purell to sell their weird hand goo?

By examining claims from conspiracy theorists, debunkers, and myself, I hope to draw a little blood from the Vein of Truth, place it on a Slide of Reason, and use my Microscope of Logic to get to the bottom of the suspiciously sterile fields of medicine and disease.

The results from the test are in: we’re all pregnant. Pregnant with anticipation. And children.

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Conspiracy Claim: HIV and AIDS are man-made diseases created by the CIA as a means of population control, specifically to wipe out homosexuals and African Americans.

Debunking Claim: The HIV virus evolved from the similar SIV (Simian Immunodeficiency Virus) and was transferred from primates to humans within the past 100 years. There exists no proof of HIV being man-made or being spread with malicious intent.

Rebunking Claim: The CIA did create and spread HIV, but their intended targets weren’t homosexuals or African Americans. The targets were members of the CIA, the Canadian Institute of Actuaries. Formed in 1965, the Canadian organization chose the acronym CIA knowing full well the Central Intelligence Agency had already laid claim to those letters in 1947. Instead of asking politely for the Canadian CIA to change their name, the Central Intelligence Agency figured creating and infecting the members of the other CIA with a murderous supervirus was the best course of action. As we all know, the Canadian Institute of Actuaries is still as strong as ever, crunching numbers for Canada’s several insurance firms, Zamboni refurbishers, and maple syrup startups, so the plan went awry. However, the facts still remain:

  • 1. Gaëtan Dugas, HIV’s Patient Zero, was, you guessed it, Canadian.
  • 2. Freddie Mercury, famous singer who died of AIDS, was, you guessed it again, someone who visited Canada on occasion AND was aware of the actuarial profession.
  • 3. CIA, HIV, and AIDS are all, you guessed it, 3-letter acronyms with, you guessed it, the letter I in the middle of, you guessed it, them.
    Hello, Mr. Smoking Gun, please meet Mrs. Case Closed. Huh? Oh. My mistake. Ms. Case Closed.

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Conspiracy Claim: Health officials have knowledge that cell phones cause cancer but large telecommunications corporations prevent that information from reaching the public.

Debunking Claim: A recent 11-year study proved that cell phone usage caused absolutely no adverse effects on humans.

Rebunking Claim: All cell phones do cause cancer, however cell phone apps just happen to cure cancer, so a perfectly healthy balance is normally kept. That is, unless you have a flip phone without access to apps. In that case, you’re going to die, but without apps were you even truly living? You weren’t and this is a mercy killing.

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Conspiracy Claim: Fluoride, a toxic chemical, is added to America’s drinking water as a means of pacifying citizens and making them submissive to those in power.

Debunking Claim: Fluoride is added to public water supplies to prevent tooth decay. No alarming adverse effects, especially not psychological, occur from ingesting the levels of fluoride in drinking water.

Rebunking Claim: Why would the government want us to have strong teeth if not to create an army of jaw-chomping proletariats for chewing and then mama-birding the finest of foods into the mouths of the ruling elite? That question mark is a typo and the syntax of the sentence is a ruse, because that’s exactly why fluoride is in our water. There will come a day, maybe not within your lifetime but definitely within mine, when the 99% are nothing but organic nutcrackers, breaking down morsels of food for the 1% to swallow as they play virtual polo while on real horses on their majestic pleasure barges fueled by injustice and fracking. Can we avoid this grim future? In theory, yes, but it will take a lot of hard work and will power, so, in actuality, no, we just have to get used to chewing.

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Conspiracy Claim: Cures for various forms of cancer exist, but are suppressed by the multi-trillion dollar pharmaceutical industry. Long-term cancer treatments net them more income than a one-time cure ever could.

Debunking Claim: A medical achievement on the level of a proven cancer cure would be impossible to hide from the public. Plus, breakthroughs in possible cancer cures happen often, but receive little press outside of the medical community.

Rebunking Claim: Big Pharma often gets villainized, however, regarding preventing a cancer cure, another industry is truly to blame: Big Wig. Aside from drag queens and bald people unaware of hats, most wigs are purchased by chemotherapy patients dealing with the side effect of hair loss. A cure for cancer would get rid of all non-recreational chemotherapy users, meaning big losses for Big Wig. With the world’s wig-dependent economy, any sort of cure is not likely to see the light of day. Don’t believe me? Look at any of the world’s leading cancer scientists and tell me they’re not in the hairy pocket of Big Wig. Even their wigs have wigs!

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Conspiracy Claim: Vaccines, often mandated by governments, are the cause of several diseases, specifically bringing about autism in children.

Debunking Claim: No convincing scientific evidence supports the notion that vaccines cause diseases. Autism, the cause of which has yet to be discovered, is erroneously linked to vaccinations due to a fraudulent and now discredited medical study.

Rebunking Claim: Not believing in vaccines causes autism.