Sit down, Barron. You may have been hearing stories about a witch with feet turned backwards named Stormy. I know that many colleagues from school and televisions are discussing this, so I will tell you the whole story.

Many years ago, months after Zeleni Jurij awoke the spring of 2006, there was a tournament at a golf course — far, far away from the three peaks of Mount Triglav — in a hellish pit of lies called Lake Tahoe. Mother Mokos granted fertility and dampness to the Edgewood Tahoe Golf Course so that the American Century Championship Celebrity Golf Tournament would be a success like your father. But remember, your father did not get the successful television network like he was promised by Roger Ailes, and the golf tournament was also a broken oath. That is why it is important to offer sacrifice to Perun every night.

At the golf tournament, your father placed 62 out of 80 because he mocked Perica, the white-clad washerwoman. She slapped him with her iron hands and his 9-iron. That is why in photos from the tournament, he has the red bite-shaped marks on his neck.

You remember the story of Kresnik and the Snake Queen? Of course you do, Barron, it is your favorite. Your father is Kresnik in his golden carriage and Stormy Daniels is the Snake Queen that he fights every year during Shark Week. At Tahoe, your father won many heroic battles against sharks. But the Stormy has hordes of evil snakes and the only way to prevent them from attacking is a mystical shield called a “non-disclosure agreement.”

That is why Uncle Michael Cohen must give 130,000 healing flowers to the Snake Queen. Yes, 130,000 roza mogota, the healing flowers of Slovenia. Uncle Michael is Zlatorog, the golden-horned leader of the white goats on Mt. Triglav with the healing blood. Zlatorog hides his fortunes in mountains called LLCs in a faraway land called Delaware. These fortunes are for you, Mr. Barron.

Zlatorog might have healing blood, but as you remember, he must fight the powerful Zeleni Jurij, the Green Hunter. This is the Snake Queen’s lawyer, Keith Davidson. Uncle Michael might lose his fighting powers (the television calls this “disbarred”), or worse, go to jail. But Uncle Michael would do anything for your father because Zlatorog is Kresnik’s brother.

Sometimes your father must say things on old videos that aren’t true, but that is not your father talking. Remember, Kresnik must also fight the false Kresnik, Vedomec, to ensure the bountiful harvest and a regressive tax policy.

Your false father, Vedomec, and Stormy the Snake Queen are not the only ones who speak venom. If you see on television Jenna Jameson, Summer Zervos, Karen McDougal, or Jessica Drake, know that they are also all Krivopea, wild women with feet turned backwards. Like in grandmother’s book, these spinsters stay up too late at night and Torka comes to haunt them with the paw of a dog in her hand. Torka is Tiffany’s mother, Marla Maples. Yes, the woman who gave you Johnnie Walker Blue for your 8th birthday. Torka emerges from cracks in the floor to turn off your nightlight and only liked your father because Kresnik has cows with very good smelling milk.

You do not need to worry about the Snake Queen or the other Krivopea so long as you focus on school, go to bed on time, and pray every night to Perun. Be a good boy, otherwise Polkonji, the three-headed dog (“special counsel”), will bite off your father’s head and steal his mountain treasure.