1. Whereas, since the birth of The Baby, whose heretofore uncontested claim of complete dominion over us as is his birthright, and his intemperance in our health and care, in direct consequence we have become but a shadow of our former selves, resembling not so much a pair of healthy breasts as a couple of tired eggplants, impulsively purchased then left to shrivel in the crisping drawer.

2. And, furthermore, owing to The Baby’s early inexpert and tyrannical attempts at nursing, we did experience the onset of bleeding nipples, which no amount of lanolin could adequately soothe, and the ruination of several expensive nursing bras.

3. And furthermore, The Baby’s well-known propensity to squeeze his hand about us while feeding, squeezing and releasing as if milking a cow, stands in direct violation of our divine rights to dignity and quality of life.

4. And, whereupon The Baby’s commencement of teething we did suffer various and repeated lacerations – both on the nipples and on their immediate surroundings – by teeth unlike normal teeth and indistinguishable from tiny, pointed razors, the sharpness of which, heretofore and henceforth, is unparalleled.

5. And whereupon those bites which were previously mentioned did elicit justly frightened screams, The Baby did commence to laugh, and laugh in a manner and for such a time as to be cruel, though far from unusual, for The Baby.

6. And, whereas, in direct consequence of the sharp fingernails, which do grow from The Baby’s fingers like tiny daggers, we have suffered since the inception of his reign.