Hello, Christian Women’s Association of Texas. I’m Heidi Cruz, and I’m here to ask for your help in reelecting my husband Ted to the Senate. Now, I know his opponent Beto O’Rourke seems so “handsome” and “normal,” and that Ted seems so “unpleasant” and “like a sentient Chucky Doll.” But trust me, Ted is just a regular guy!

I’ll never forget the day we moved into our very own home. I was running around like a chicken with its head cut off. So many things to do! My sweet Ted, he said, “Honey, let me go to the grocery store.” So he went out and bought 100 cans of soup. He brought half of them home in the trunk of his car, and tied the others to the roof like a Christmas tree. There they were, 100 cans of soup, all cream of mushroom. And I said, “Why’d you buy so much soup, Ted?” And he didn’t say anything. He just kinda smiled.

Anyway, he’s just a regular guy, the kind of husband who comes home from work and says, “Hey honey, I love you! What’s for dinner?” And you start to say, “Pot roast,” but then you realize that he’s already poured himself a bowl of soup and is shoving it down his gullet. Somehow, even though he just walked in the door, that soup is piping hot. And you say, "How’d you have time to heat up that soup, Ted?” and “Please, slow down! You’re gonna give yourself second-degree throat burns!” But he doesn’t answer. The only sound he makes is a low, continuous moan. He’s eating hot soup, and he hasn’t blinked once.

So as you can see, he’s just the kind of steady, reliable man who fills three entire rooms of your house with cans of cream of mushroom soup. And when you say, “Ted, seriously can we get rid of just one of the soup rooms? Cause right now, our daughters have to share a bed,” that regular guy just gives you a smile full of mischief. And when you say, “I mean it, Ted, I can’t live like this,” your very normal husband starts reciting entire episodes of The Simpsons at you from memory until you turn around, climb over the mountain of empty cans that dominates your hallway, lie down on the couch, and wonder what’s up with your high school boyfriend, Kevin. We all know how it is, don’t we, ladies? Don’t we?

So in conclusion, vote for Ted! ‘Cause Beto hates the flag.