Opening Page
Divided Into Four Frames,
Featuring Stain-Proof Indonesian
Cotton Oxford and Khakis


Trendy Starbucks during the morning rush. People dressed in their J.Crew summer clothing, including a moderately good-looking guy who sports J.Crew’s Stain-Proof Indonesian Cotton Oxford and Khakis. While no one is looking, he’s climbing into the trash can at the condiments table. Why?


Here we see why: He’s spying on his hottie girlfriend (Daisy-Print Seersucker-Weave Dress and Ballet Flats), who is standing at the cashier with the obnoxiously handsome Yale dude (V-Neck Soft-Cotton Sweater, Stone-Washed Jeans, loafers) she’s been secretly hooking up with. They’re ordering grande coffees. The cashier, in a cartoon talk bubble, says, “Room for cream?” And they both answer, “Sure.”


Inside the trash can: The look on our poor Loser’s face is like, “Oh, shit!” because Starbucks employees always ask if you want room for cream, but they never give you room for cream, and you don’t realize this until you’re standing at the condiments table and you have to pour part of your steaming-hot coffee into the trash can.


The girlfriend and the Yale dude pour their extra coffee into the trash can. A cartoon thought bubble floats out of the trash can; it says, “Ouch! Love hurts! But at least my Oxford and Khakis won’t stain!”

Catalog Centerfold
Two-Page Spread,
Featuring J.Crew’s
New “Chamomiles”

NOTE: Does J.Crew have a piece of clothing called Chamomiles? It should! It just sounds summery. So, first off, invent Chamomiles. Then:


Picture of pretty people on a beach-house lawn, looking like they’re at once talking and performing a ballet in the breeze. One of them, playing croquet, says, in a cartoon talk bubble, to her croquet partner, “Say, Brigid, L-U-V your Chamomiles. Are you summering well?” And, in the far corner, there’s our Lovelorn Loser again—crouched in some bushes, a bandage on his coffee-scalded face, wearing last year’s J.Crew T-shirt, baggy blue shorts, and flip-flops. (Desperation never looked so casual!) He’s spying on his ex-girlfriend (Pink Chamomiles), who’s standing by the bushes, holding a cup of hot tea. She’s getting ready to suck lips with a handsome Harvard dude (in his men’s pair of Green Chamomiles, or “Chamos”). The look on her face says “I’m going to fuck this Harvard dude’s brains out.” She has no idea her ex is still so obsessed with her, or that he’s spying on her in the bushes. Or does she? Readying for her big kiss, she’s “accidentally” dumping her cup of hot tea—chamomile, ironically!—into the bushes, onto our Loser’s already burnt face. “Oh, shit!” he seems to be saying. “Here we go again!”

Final Page
Series of Pictures,
Featuring Numerous J.Crew Items


Placed left to right and down the page, they tell the story: (1) Loser, skin falling off his badly burned face, walking along the side of the road; a police officer, in mirrored sunglasses that fail to cover the fierce look on his face, points to the sign that reads NOW LEAVING THE HAMPTONS. (2) Loser getting plastic surgery done to his face while wearing J.Crew Ultra-Cotton Penguin Boxers. (3) Loser running through Central Park in J.Crew Stretch-Poly-Cotton Running Outfit, bandages covering his healing face. (4) Steamy hot bathroom, with Loser wearing a White J.Crew Indonesian Cotton Towel and nothing else, just staring at himself in the mirror, fucking pleased with his striking new face, which looks nothing like his old face. (5) Loser driving out to the Hamptons in a ‘65 Mustang convertible, wearing Ocean-and-Sand Seersucker; he gets to the Hamptons and is greeted by the police officer who kicked him out, but the cop doesn’t recognize him, and he’s waved right through. (6) End-of-summer party at a big mansion and everyone is there, wearing their White Chamomiles, with our guy watching from the top step in his Seersucker, like Gatsby gone haywire. (7) There she is! By the beach fire! Wearing her White Chamomiles, which contrast with her tan skin just so! (8) Now she sees him and she doesn’t recognize his new look; we know this because she’s not running or calling the police; instead, she sports a gaze that says, “I want to fuck that handsome dude who’s obviously rich, too.” (9) A half mile down from the party, they take off their clothes and fuck on the beach. (10) While she gets dressed, he calls a beach butler over and, in a cartoon talk bubble, asks for “a cup of very, very hot Starbucks coffee, followed by a cup of very, very hot chamomile tea.” (11) The look on the girl’s face is like “Oh, shit!” (12) Bottom frame, stretching the width of the page: Our Loser Hero in Seersucker, watching the beach ambulance drive away; the cop standing on a sand bluff, watching him; a tea-stained pair of White Chamomiles on the sand; the sun setting in the distance. And in the corner: “”