I’m going as a sexy nurse for Halloween this year. My personal protective equipment is going to be so ad hoc and marginally effective that it will make you (1) question whether the United States can still call itself a global leader with its frontline medical professionals working without adequate equipment in a pandemic and, (2) cream your pants.

I’m going to look so sexy in my garbage bag operating gown. When people see the hint of my curves under a 15-gallon Hefty Ultra Strong’s plasticky folds and my arms sticking out from holes that I literally just tore into the bag, they’re going to fight each other to get my number. They’ll be desperate, just like state governors forced to bid against each other for N95 masks and ventilators, as if we weren’t one fucking country that should be united in the shared goal of saving lives.

My sexy nurse costume is going to be a multi-sensory experience. Suitors won’t be able to hide their desire after they smell my body slathered with hand sanitizer purchased from a third-party Amazon seller that blinked in and out of existence. The hand sanitizer’s opaque provenance and questionable effectiveness add an exciting element of danger to my costume. Just as exciting as it must be for hospital administrators to approve the sharing of ventilators originally designed for one patient — what a sexy free-market solution.

One of the sexiest parts of a sexy nurse costume is the gloves, prompting thoughts of various sexy probings. And my costume will be so sexy and authentic because I’m going to wear disposable food service gloves, not medical gloves. If it’s good enough to safely chop chicken at Chipotle, it should be good enough to protect healthcare workers from a virus that has killed over 200,000 in the United States alone. My past and future lovers will go weak at the knees, thinking about this sexy nurse probing patients with fast food gloves per the FDA’s guidance on “Crisis or Alternate Strategies if Medical Gloves are Running Low or Not Available.” My lovers will be so weak, just like tiny, weak states (sorry Connecticut) being outbid in the global PPE market, which is a thing that the president let happen.

I’m preparing for a ton of sexy DMs on Halloween night after everyone sees my absolutely super-sexy face mask. No, it isn’t an N-95 mask, but it covers my mouth and nose and keeps my lower face moist by holding in my hot, steamy breath. Its pattern is half Realtree camouflage and half Mickey Mouse, because it was made by local quilters using fabric scraps to make free masks for medical professionals, which somehow was more effective than the unpaid volunteers on the White House’s COVID-19 Supply Chain Task Force. Everyone’s going to be hitting me up so hard on social media — just like real medical professionals using the hashtag #GetMePPE — to beg for it.

And finally, my nurse costume will reach unbelievable levels of sexiness once I find some used ski goggles to use instead of a medical-grade face shield. The way the ski goggles cut into my forehead skin will be so sexy. Anyone who sees me in my full sexy nurse costume complete with makeshift PPE won’t be able to contain themselves. Just like the current administration couldn’t (or wouldn’t) act to contain this deadly virus’s outbreaks.