After a month and a half of watching Donald Trump on the job, it’s more important than ever to roll up our sleeves and fight for our democratic ideals. My recounts in Michigan, Wisconsin, and Pennsylvania went nowhere, but I have a new, foolproof plan to walk our country back from the brink of tyranny. Now, I’m collecting donations to cover the cost of rephrasing just THREE awkwardly worded statements that may have helped tip the Electoral College to Trump. Are you with me? Let’s go.
For most of last year, I insisted that a Clinton presidency would be more dangerous than a Trump presidency, even claiming that Hillary was “beating the war drums against Russia.” I now need $2.5 million, preferably by midnight, to soften the consequences of persuading thousands in key states that NATO alliances and a steady hand on the nuclear arsenal were a delicious joke. (The money will go straight to Green Party coffers and our fight for election reform, voting integrity, and the undermining of future Democratic nominees.)
I’m also hoping to defray the costs of saying Hillary shouldn’t be the first female president because she doesn’t “reflect the values of being a mother” — on Mother’s Day, too. I misspoke: she’s not a bad mother, just an apoplectic warmonger. But I’ll need a couple million more to take the edge off and admit that, yeah, I could have waited to say that until after November 9th, or after January 20th — or maybe never. #LiveandLearn, right?
Lastly, and I admit this was one of my lowest moments of 2016, but I do have an off-kilter sense of humor, as you saw when Hillary collapsed from pneumonia and I tweeted, "#HackingHillary, here’s my prescription: Take a #JillChillPill and stop campaigning altogether to ensure global peace. #PagingDrStein.”
You see what I did there? “#JillChillPill”? But I didn’t mean to #KillHill, not at all, though I may have helped prop up the right-wing narrative that Hillary is dying or already dead. I have a new stretch goal of $10 million to make sure I don’t shoot my mouth off like that again for four years, when I once again use my experience as a Lexington, Massachusetts town representative to justify running for the highest office in the land.
If you have just a little more to spare, $25 million would cover the rewording of dozens more tweets and speech excerpts where I convinced third-party voters that Hillary’s plans for affordable college, rural communities, LGBT rights, disabled Americans, criminal justice reform, paid family leave, and a liberal Supreme Court made her a worse candidate than Donald Trump, and fund the winning campaign that makes ME our first Goddess-in-Chief in 2020. Hope springs evergreen!
Now, let’s get back to the fight.