New Music Is Garbage, and So Is Literacy and Lack of Death by Whooping Cough

The music coming out now sucks. It’s all autotuned and loop pedals. I remember when bands rocked! Some of these new acts have chicks on stage who aren’t backup singers or groupies. And the songs are about something other than how rock will never die. Bah!!

All this widespread literacy blows too. You never used to find yourself in a waiting room full of people staring at their phones or reading the newspaper. We actually talked to each other. Can you imagine? It was a great way to share ideas, like how to identify a witch, how to protect yourself from the evil eye, or how menstruation makes crops fail.

And screw all this indoor plumbing! In the good old days, we got our water from rivers, creeks, and wells. It helped you stay fit as you trekked the handful of miles to and from your water source, dodging wild animal attacks along the way. Same with repeating that trek to take a dump in those same rivers, creeks, and wells.

And what’s with the disappearance of death by whooping cough? Or how few women snuff it during childbirth anymore? Most people used to kick it before thirty-five, so no one had to plan for their retirement, and hardly anyone went bald. You appreciated every moment when you knew that you or the person you were talking to would probably drop dead mid-sentence.

And why do we have to have all these countries spread out over seven continents, separated by oceans and whatnot? In my day, all the land was clumped together in a single, unified Pangaea. You could walk from one end to the other, picking up trilobites and eating them raw, which was way better for you than all this fire-cooked food, by the way. And delicious!

And I’m pretty tired of all these zillions of planets, stars, and galaxies too. Everything used to be crammed together in a super-dense mass. It was cozy, and you never felt alone. Then the Big Bang happened, and for some reason, people thought it was so great they made it into the number one sitcom.

So yeah, screw all this new music, and all the other things that have cropped up since the world went all to shit.

But I have to say, this “crypto” stuff is pretty nifty. And I just bought a GIF of a sneezing panda. Mark my words: it’s gonna keep increasing in value forever.