As a pro-life activist, I’ve spent the better part of my life on the front lines fighting for the life of the unborn. It has been my passion. My raison d’être, if you will. I’ve spent countless hours demanding that my deeply held religious beliefs regarding other women’s bodies become national law. And although I didn’t get everything I wanted with the overturning of Roe, I will now happily retire from political activism, pending just a few more minor tweaks to reproductive law, gay rights, national voting systems, the way religion is taught in public schools, and the legality of drag queens.
The Supreme Court has rightfully sent the question of life back to the states, which is precisely what Christians like me have been pushing for all these years. Nothing more, nothing less. Those on the pro-murder side needn’t worry about “what we’ll do next” because the game is over. It’s in the states’ hands now, as God intended. We’re done fighting and simply want to just wrap up the small, final trifle of passing a nationwide ban on abortion and criminalizing the teaching of the existence of slavery.
As a person who prayed endlessly for laws that would compel victims of rape and incest to continue their unwanted pregnancies, I’ve decided that this partial victory for my religious point of view is good enough for me. I’m done, folks! This is my Sunday—my day to rest. As long as on the Saturday prior, we’ve codified a national law to investigate any miscarriage and prosecute enablers to the fullest extent of God’s wrath.
I’m genuinely looking forward to staying out of other people’s private business just as soon as we deal with the remaining issues of banishing in vitro fertilization, reclassifying mifepristone and misoprostol as Schedule 1 drugs, expelling trans people from recreational volleyball, and charging women who claim to have ectopic pregnancies with conspiracy to murder.
Yes, after I’ve wrapped up the final minutiae of packing all my states’ African Americans into one tiny, powerless district and enacting RICO legislation allowing private militias to hunt down anyone crossing state lines to seek an abortion, I’ll be kicking off my sandals and celebrating our final battle. Of course, we’ll first need to decriminalize the act of ramming your car through any crowd engaged in an unsanctioned protest. But then the sandal-kicking can begin!
Believe me. I don’t take retiring from political advocacy lightly. I’ve forsaken family, abandoned friends, ignored birthdays, and even neglected my taxes to make overturning Roe my one priority here on Earth. I guess I’ll just have to learn how to unwind, which I plan to do right after we pass a federal Judeo-Christian decree stating that IUDs are murder and reading stories to children while dressed in drag is punishable by stoning.
Stop being histrionic about the future, liberals. Roe was tearing this country apart, and thankfully, that’s all over now. Take heart in knowing that people like me just want to sit back, relax, and reflect on our victory. Shortly after we outlaw sodomy and forbid gay teachers from entering public schools.