The Dermatologist

“All right, Jim, let’s take a look at you here and see what you got going … Oh my God.” (Vomits into wastebasket.)

“The reason I didn’t say anything to you before, smart guy, is that melanoma isn’t contagious. Now are you going to let me be the doctor?”

The Primary-Care Physician

“I didn’t mean to laugh. I’ve just never seen this kind of muscle tone on a man before.”

“The treatment won’t work unless you’re diligent about taking it. Did you hold the crystals in each hand for 20 minutes a day while facing north?”

The Radiologist

“Let me show you what we’re up against. See the outline of this shadow in the upper right quadrant of your lung? Ethically, I can’t prescribe any treatment that would destroy the Virgin Mary.”

“You don’t have any metal in your body, do you? We just spent three hours cleaning out the MRI machine from our last patient.”

The Urologist

“Wow, your prostate feels exactly like mine. Here, check it out.”

“This has me stumped. Have you tried urinating just every other day? It’s worth a shot.”

The Gastroenterologist

“Put the earplugs in now, because I’m really gonna blast this. Tapeworms can’t stand reggae.”

“We need to boost your black bile so it’s up to the level of your other three humors. Let me thread this doohickey up through your nostril.”

The Surgeon

“We’re going to put you under now, but you’ll enjoy it. Once you get a whiff of this ether, you can’t get enough—take it from me.”

“The cone is just to make sure you don’t bite at your suture and pull out the stitches. Nobody is going to notice it, I guarantee you.”