“Arkansas Gov. Sarah Huckabee Sanders signed a law rolling back requirements that the state verify the ages of workers under 16 and provide them with work certificates permitting them to work.” — NPR

- - -

Here at GlobeCorp, one of our core values is “evolving to better serve a changing world.” In keeping with that value, we have recently revised our HR policies to better align with changes in our hiring environment, specifically now that we regularly employ children with the state’s full knowledge and tacit endorsement. Please review the below and reach out to your HR partner with any questions or concerns.

Interviewing: We will not be using existing interview protocols with potential child laborers. Instead, please focus your interview along the following dimensions:

  • Sharing: Ask them how they feel about sharing with teammates. Would they be willing to help share the work of a difficult overnight shift? Are they okay with sharing some of their PTO back to the organization if we don’t meet productivity targets? Can they define “wage theft”?
  • Caring: Does the small child in front of you really care about contributing to a collaborative partnership with the client? What if we threatened to take away their dessert? Do they care now?
  • How are their small hands faring: During the handshake, feel for calluses or other signs of time spent on unpaid family labor. If the child is wearing overalls and chewing on hay, or if their face is smudged with dirt and coal, pass them through to the next hiring stage. If the child is wearing overalls, chewing hay, AND has a smudgy face, make the offer immediately.

Personal Restroom Policy: Most of our manufacturing facilities require our associates to use the restroom during their assigned ten-minute breaks. We will be relaxing this standard for our new hirelings. That said, managers should spend the final five minutes of every break shouting repeatedly, “DOES ANYONE HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM? ARE YOU SURE? SPEAK NOW OR FOREVER HOLD YOUR PEE.”

Expense Policy: We are expanding the list of reimbursable professional expenses to include:

  • Napping mats
  • Beads and plastic gems, assuming they do not distract others
  • Replacement stuffies

Behavioral Standard: Generally, we want to hold all our colleagues to similar behavioral standards. That said, it’s unreasonable to think that members of our newly formed “Tween Team” won’t brutally insult your pleated khakis and corporate polo. We will not take action against Tween Team Members for calling your pants “so gross” or for making that back-of-throat-air-exhalation noise that roughly translates to “as if” when you ask them to clock in properly.

Compensation: Please make sure all children are aware that they can forgo payment in dollars and instead earn tickets, redeemable at the new “company prize counter.” Eight-hundred tickets gets you a PlayStation 2 controller.

Bereavement Policy: This policy is unchanged; expressly, neither “the death of innocence” nor “the permanent cessation of real, unselfconscious joy and laughter” qualify for bereavement.

Workplace Attire: Formerly, we asked that all associates wear business casual attire, but in building our pool of potential child workers, it’s become obvious that we need to expand this to “Business Casual Attire OR sweatpants.” A lot of our youngest new hires wear sweatpants all the time—it apparently makes going to the bathroom easier.

Additionally, either shoe can be worn on either foot.

Employment Classification: For tax purposes, all of our new child workers will be 1099-NECs. However, internally, we will exclusively refer to these workers as “members of the big kid work club.”

At GlobeCorp, we continue to believe that every person can positively impact the world within the scope of their role and the limits of their abilities. We are incredibly excited to welcome new, young associates into our midst and introduce them to the fast-paced, exciting world of devastatingly unsatisfying work while being managed by people even dumber than their parents.