Showed up for the tour and was met by Moses. He had a bull, three sheep, and eight pigeons that he said we’d be ritually sacrificing en route. He spent a long time showing me and my wife his sharp “sacrificing knife.” I was up for it, but my wife was repulsed. We had to rebook with another guide. Would have been nice if we were given some advance notice about the planned animal slaughter.

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Don’t be put off by Moses’s advanced age and long white beard, he’s still spry. As for his smell, you quickly get used to it.

The highlight of the tour was his riffs. I recorded these gems on my phone:

  • “If an ox gores a man or woman and they die, the ox shall surely be stoned and its flesh shall not be eaten.”
  • “Whoever is sexually intimate with a beast shall be put to death.”
  • “The thigh of heaving and the breast of waving shall be brought forth with the offerings of fat made by fire, to wave it for a wave offering before the Lord.”
  • “When the flesh has a boil, and it is healed and in the place of the boil there is a white spot, then it shall be shown to the priest.”

I’m not sure what Moses’s shtick is all about (performance art, just eccentricity?), but we had a blast. Highly recommended.

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Word of warning: Moses literally has no idea where he’s going. Whenever I asked him where we were, he’d say, “The Lord will lead us.” Hardly reassuring. He only seemed aware of two locations: Egypt (somewhere behind us) and the Promised Land (somewhere ahead of us). We managed to make it to Eilat slightly worse for wear, no thanks to Moses.

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Avoid at all costs. In the middle of the tour, Moses tells us that he’s going “up to the mountain” to “talk to the Lord.” We’re like, that’s a hill, not a mountain, and what are we supposed to do while you’re up there? He didn’t even respond. He came down two hours later (!) carrying two rocks that he called “tablets,” threw the rocks on the ground, and accused us of worshiping idols. (I was showing the group a stuffed cow I had bought for my granddaughter.)

If you want to be berated by a lunatic, this is the tour for you. Otherwise, not so much.

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He wanted to bring his brother Aaron along as a second tour guide and charge us double. No thanks. Avoid this rip-off artist.

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Moses spent an inordinate amount of time telling us he would be bringing forth water from a rock. When he finally did it, we were like, that’s cool, but we already have plenty of water. Also, he talked a lot about how he once saw a burning bush. He’s a nice old man who just wanted someone to listen to his stories and watch his magic tricks. Too bad we paid one thousand shekels for the privilege.

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Have you ever seen someone walking up the aisle of a boat and immediately thought, Damn, I hope they don’t sit next to me? And then they sit next to you and proceed to talk the entire time without really caring whether you’re listening? Well, that’s Moses.

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Help, I think I’m in love with Moses from Desert Tours! Seriously, I’ve always gone for older men, and Moses has these deep, piercing brown eyes that captivated me. Although I have to admit by the end of the tour, his stares became a bit too intense, especially when he talked about how he and his men slaughtered the Amalekites. Highly recommended for fans of “silver foxes.”

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The only food available was a strange substance called “manna,” which Moses seems to think is high cuisine. It’s fine, I guess, but we quickly got tired of it. Moses acted all butthurt that we weren’t eating more of “the miraculous manna.” Bizarre.

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Moses announced to our group that he was leading his last tour ever because the Lord had told him he couldn’t cross over into the Promised Land and he would die in the wilderness. I was initially pissed at what a drag he was being, but I ended up feeling sorry for him. When the tour ended, he waved sadly to us, laid down in the dirt, and loudly announced that he was ready for the Lord to take him. When we looked back, he was still very much alive and actually gave us the thumbs up. Hope this guy gets some help.