Thank you for coming to our meeting to protest the abhorrent lack of accessibility in our community. This is a pressing matter that must be addressed immediately.

For us to meet as a group and discuss how the city constantly forgets the needs of those differently abled, please proceed down those three flights of stairs. We will begin promptly at four and we do not condone lateness, so you’d better hurry.

If you are unable to physically make it down those three flights of stairs, we have accommodations. You can find an elevator at the top of those steep stairs on the left that takes you down to our floor. Those stairs are behind the door with the automatic OPEN button that is just for show. As you know, this is a public building and so we must appear to be ADA accessible, as ALL other sites should be. That is why we hold these meetings: to protest why other locations are not as forward-thinking as we are.

There is a special lift that would help you down the stairs, but it has been out of order for the last ten years. It can’t make the bend around the second flight of stairs, so you’d have to figure out how to make it down the rest of the way, anyhow. Also, no one here is licensed to operate a lift.

We are completely committed to providing an accessible experience to protest the lack of accessibility. That is why we have employed one person to look at you with a worried grimace while you figure out how to reach our room. If you decide to try to descend the three flights of stairs, this person will not offer any assistance just in case they wind up not helping you properly and you sue them. We are completely committed to making this location a lawsuit-free environment.

This is a historic building, so we were hesitant to add any adjustments that might make the building accessible in the first place. It would ruin the work of our founders. That is the most important thing we as a community must protect: our history. And also accessibility.

Our sole purpose as a group is to promote accessibility in our city and protest how it does not exist. If you were to complain about our group, then you’d kind of be going against the idea of accessibility in general, right? Please feel free to ponder this as you decide how to properly make it to our meeting using one of the two stairwells.

After the meeting and protest, we will be going to a reception that is incredibly easy to access using our famously inaccessible public transit system. Protesting the lack of accessibility is hard work and we must reward ourselves.

See you at the bottom of those stairs!