Welcome to NEVERLAND! A new feminist dating app for single women living in Los Angeles who are empowered, sexy, hard working, confident, and who prefer to assume all of the emotional responsibility in their romantic relationships.
Like Bumble and other popular feminist dating apps, NEVERLAND insists that the ladies contact potential matches first. But unlike other feminist dating apps, NEVERLAND uses a patented Hide-and-Seek™ function to give high-achieving women the challenging relationships they deserve. If you’re a lady, you’ll not only have to reach out to your match first, you’ll also have to actually find him. Like, hunt him down, and figure out if he’s even a real person. And, if you do happen to find him, then you’ll become the one and only person responsible for helping him find himself.
At NEVERLAND headquarters, located directly behind the Plan B Strip Club on Santa Monica Boulevard, we personally weed through all the men in Los Angeles for you so that you waste no time pursuing easy-to-date men. We use referrals from local therapists and a Buzzfeed quiz to curate a group of LA’s most eligible “Lost Boys.” Here are some of our most popular bachelors who you may (or may not!) find using NEVERLAND.
TRY TO FIND TED
An artsy “Lost Boy” with a nasty case of writer’s block. Ted is currently hiding in his Silver Lake apartment, where he lives with three female roommates who look like you but better. And, while it’s safe to say that Ted has sexual chemistry with all three of his hot lady roommates, he has sexual desires for none of them. How could Ted possibly feel sexual at a time like this? Did you forget about Ted’s unfinished screenplay? Ted’s a creative failure! Once you find Ted, it’ll be your responsibility to make him feel sexually and creatively fulfilled again. Remind Ted that he did not get a Masters of Fine Arts for nothing and that he should totally take that improv class he’s been talking about because his relationship with his father does not define him.
TRY TO FIND JOSH
A business savvy “Lost Boy” who has loads and loads of money, great hair, and no soul. Josh is currently hiding from the IRS. Josh makes more in an hour than you’ll make in your entire life which means he really needs your help. You see, Josh lost his soul while he was crushing the GMATS, and he’s been searching for it in imported Italian leather goods and model’s underpants ever since. Once you find Josh, it’ll be up to you to help him find his soul. You might find Josh’s soul in an offshore bank account under the name “John Dough,” or you might find it by reminding Josh of life’s simple pleasures, like not having health insurance and pirating wifi.
TRY TO FIND BRYAN
A trendy “Lost Boy” who knows nothing, but is an expert in everything. Bryan is currently hiding at your local independently owned coffee shop where he loves to hold up the line as he schools the barista in all the things he’s an expert in, like the Syrian refugee crisis and the best live recordings of jazz musician Dizzy Gillespie. You’re probably thinking that Bryan knows too much about too much to really be lost. But don’t worry, Bryan is definitely lost. And once you find him, you’ll need to help Bryan learn about the one thing he’s not an expert in: your feelings.
TRY TO FIND DAVE
A nature-loving “Lost Boy” who just won’t be made to shower. Dave is currently hiding on your path to personal fulfillment, in your Amazon checkout cart, right next to your Pema Chodron paperback. Dave is a healer and an uncertified masseuse who would love to rub your shoulders or anyone’s shoulders whether they like it or not. Dave is really connected, and you’ll find it easy to connect with Dave. In fact, Dave makes a point of connecting with everyone he meets. He connected with ten people in the last week alone. For Dave, connecting entails a whole range of emotional and physical adventures. It usually involves crystals and it always involves sex. You’ll need to find Dave and help Dave find a permanent address.
TRY TO FIND MIKE
A distinguished “Lost Boy” who can’t wait to commit to you as soon as he’s done committing to his marriage. Mike is currently hiding at his five-year-old’s piano recital. Mike is much older than you which means he knows what he wants and what he wants is a divorce from his wife Lisa. Once you find Mike, it’ll be your job to help him get one. You’ll have to break the news to Lisa because Mike doesn’t want to hurt her feelings, and it’s probably better if she doesn’t know since they’re not even really separated yet. You’ll also be in charge of making sure their daughter loves you as much as she loves her real mother.
TRY TO FIND ADELBERT
A foreign “Lost Boy” who speaks no English but who’s fluent in the language of love, which turns out to be a mixture of Hungarian, French, and the vocal equivalent of Comic Sans. Adelbert is currently hiding at the LAX departures gate. Once you find Adelbert, you’ll see that he’s been pretty torn up since the election. And, although you can’t totally understand what he’s saying, you think it’s something along the lines of “democracy is for sure dead.” Since you’ll never be able to convince Adelbert that four years of Donald Trump’s tweets are worth sticking around for, you’ll need to help him find a souvenir to remember that not everything in America is bad. That souvenir is you. Forget about your important work meeting. Hop on that plane, and start a new life harvesting rabbits on his family farm.
TRY TO FIND WHAT’S HIS NAME
A familiar looking “Lost Boy” who you sort of knew during college and who you never thought about until you ran into him on this dumb dating app. Well, this is awkward, but What’s His Name is hiding at your mutual friend’s housewarming party. What’s His Name is pretty forgettable. He does a job you don’t care about, he grew up in a town you don’t care about, and he says things you don’t care about. Actually, you didn’t care about finding What’s His Name until you found him on this app. You know what that means. Once you find What’s His Name, you’ll need to invent all of his good qualities so that he stops being so forgettable. You’ll need to go through his Instagram photos hourly and obsess over him, until he becomes a catch and you feel fat.
Beta testing is now underway for NEVERLAND in New York, Austin, and Chicago. Next year, users will be able to track and trap “Lost Boys” as they wait in line at that Jonathan Franzen book signing, change a tire on a local food truck, and search for warmth in a deep dish pizza.