Hello Listserve:

Our amazing babysitter, Jocelyn O’Flannerty-DeSantis, is looking for work. She started watching our daughter just before our daughter was born (she claims to have seen our whole pregnancy through a magic mirror) until this past fall when we had to send our daughter to school (Jocelyn was not allowed to attend, despite her efforts).

Jocelyn is GREAT with kids. She seems to have a special connection with children that is almost supernatural. We like to joke that her homemade juice is some kind of “potion” even though I’m fairly certain it’s just a kale smoothie. She does laundry, she cooks, she cleans, she keeps our daughter active and happy. On sunny days, they’ll disappear for 8 hours and come back dirty and tired and somehow wealthier. They’ll whisk in, close the shades and ask to “visit Mother Darkness” for a while. Who can blame them? On rainy days, they’ll head to the museum or the library or play needles with dolls at home.

Does your child have food allergies? Jocelyn knows how to cure most of these allergies. She zapped my daughter with some kind of an electric charge that shot out of her fingertips and cured her of a peanut/gluten/sunflower seed allergy. Now she eats the hell out of a peanut butter sandwich on gluten sunflower bread. You should see the stuff they dump in Jocelyn’s cauldron — used to give my daughter a terrible reaction. Not anymore!

Jocelyn seeks a full-time position, hopefully with a family with ample storage for “hiding things.” Not sure why.

We are going to miss Jocelyn immensely! Some new family will be incredibly lucky to have her. She is literally a good luck charm; watch her play dice or three-card monte and you will be amazed by her luck. It pains us to see her go. A part of me died the day I told her she had to leave: my left arm. I assume it’s dead because it just sits there and I have no feeling in it. Jocelyn zapped it with her magic fingers and demanded some money to “lift the curse,” but we had to be firm and not give in to her demands.

“Is Jocelyn a witch?” is a question I often get asked. I would have to say yes, though we never use that word around the house. Jocelyn prefers “necromancer” or “babysitter.” I base my opinion on her flying broom and the candy hut in the woods that she lives in. I’ve not been, but it is on the G train, a convenient commute to many homes.

Feel free to email me if you’d like more information! If you’re seriously considering employing Jocelyn, be careful because such serious thought often summons her into your living room via any nearby mirror. She will manifest in a cloud of sulfurous smoke suddenly! On the plus side, she has her own Metrocard for errands. Won’t you make Jocelyn a part of your home? Please?