To: the Hobbits of the Shire
Subject: The LATEST Polls!
Have you heard the good news??? Will Whitfoot is SURGING in the latest polls! This is our chance to FINALLY elect a hobbit who TRULY loves banquets as Mayor of the Shire. As you know, the mayor is only elected once every seven years (chosen during the Lithe at the Festival of the Free Fair), and we don’t want to miss this golden opportunity to install a bona fide gourmand in this powerful position. So we’re seizing the moment by activating our first-ever TRIPLE MATCH!
That’s right: donate whatever you can — a silver penny, some pipe-weed, a chest of gold from the Dwarf-horde of Smaug — and we will TRIPLE your contribution!
Will’s unabashedly progressive platform is SO exciting — he’s pledging to:
- Raise the minimum number of meals per day to SIX by adding a third breakfast called “elevenses”
- Make access to higher holiday feasting FREE for all hobbits
- Modernize our decrepit postal system
So help us send a message to the career politicians over in the White Downs that we’re kicking them out of their Hobbit-holes. No more fat cats — only fat hobbits.
Yours in solidarity,
To the Elves of Rivendell
Subject: DEAD IN THE WATER
Listen, Thranduil — this is a hard note to write. But right now, the House of Elrond is dead in the water. Because with just hours to go until our fundraising deadline, donations have come to a staggering halt. And if we don’t hit our goal, we’ll lose our chance to win back the Last Homely House East of the Sea.
That’s right: the Witch-King of Angmar, who STOLE the seat of Rivendell in a special run-off siege earlier this age, might stay in power INDEFINITELY. That means more orcs marauding in the streets of Imladris. More trolls ransacking the Hall of Fire. More Nazgûl screeching and stabbing willy-nilly.
So we’re giving you one last chance to make this right… we need you to rush five magical relics to help Lord Elrond secure reinforcements from Lothlórien and take this seat BACK before midnight tonight.
Otherwise, we’re dead in the water — and not just because the Ringwraiths keep killing us and then dumping our bodies in the water.
The Elven Resistance
To the Orcs of Isengard
DISGUSTED. There’s no other word for it. We’re DISGUSTED by the behavior of Uruk-hai Captain Shagrat. I’m sure by now you’ve seen the bombshell report: while ostensibly serving our noble orc people as commander of the tower of Cirith Ungol, “Captain” Shagrat killed his fellow officer Gorbag and then FLED to Barad-dûr with a stolen cloak, sword, and Mithril shirt.
This isn’t just ancient history — it’s an indictment of Shagrat’s character. Stealing? Murdering? Those are obviously good things, and we applaud them whole-heartedly.
But ABANDONING your post??? Fleeing is an UNACCEPTABLE action from any elected orc official, and Shagrat should be ashamed of himself.
Show your outrage by chipping in $3.88 to help Warchief Uglúk defeat Shagrat in the upcoming Overlord elections. Your donation will go DIRECTLY to purchasing a double-bent sword that will enable the people’s champion Warchief Uglúk to disembowel Shagrat in ritual combat and properly take the mantle of Overlord on behalf of all true Uruk-hai.
Your Overlord should be an Uruk-hai you can be proud of: not a coward who flees, but a remorseless killing machine who has no qualms about stealing from the dead. Because character matters.
So support Warchief Uglúk, and donate today to make your low, guttural voice heard.
Murder murder all the time,
Orcs For Uglúk