Smucker’s established themselves as unapologetic industry disruptors with the introduction of their Uncrustables PB&J sandwich in 1999. By eliminating the crust, the company also effectively eliminated any misgivings the world may have had about their status as the tastemakers of the Heartland, the final word on early 2000s Midwestern cuisine. For anyone paying a shred of attention, Smucker’s was king. So, when I learned that they’d made an addition to their already prodigious catalog of crustless comestibles, venturing boldly into the notoriously competitive meat and “probably meat” sector with their new Frozen BBQ Chicken Bites, I didn’t miss a step on the way to my local Target.
Upon first glance, it’s obvious that these BBQ Chicken Bites are the perfect purchase for exactly two types of people: 1. manic twenty-four-year-olds who live alone, teetering on the edge of complete mental and emotional collapse, currently at an impasse in the war they’ve waged against the house centipedes living in their apartment and 2. parents with small children! Now, I can’t speak for that first type of person, as that’s certainly not my experience, but I do feel qualified to recommend this product to parents, as I definitely, without a doubt, have a couple of rapscallions of my own and am buying these Frozen BBQ Chicken Bite for the children I have who exist, and not for myself to eat alone at home in place of a well-balanced meal. So, when the Target cashier (the one with a ripped corner of college-ruled as a nametag and an ancient demonic rage in his eyes) asked: “These all for you?” I obviously had to set him straight – of course not! I am a parent with two children under my supervision. “These are for them,” I said, a light sheen of sweat glossing my face and a devilish heat reddening my cheeks.
As I’m sure my fellow parents can attest, raising two little ones is a full-time job! It’s like I’m always saying: “I’m so busy with my kids!” Cooking, cleaning, er — dressing them up? Math! Taking them for little walks. It’s an absurd amount of work for one person. That’s why these BBQ Chicken Bites have been a godsend. You simply microwave them for 60 seconds, and there’s no mess, no time-consuming cleanup, no crumbs lurking in the folds of your bedsheets, scratching your skin for the weeks (months) before their next wash. If you’re a mama to two rough-and-tumble boys like me, this is essential.
My boys can be picky eaters, which I hear is pretty common among real, non-fictional children. Also the occasional young adults, who hasn’t yet mastered using an Instant Pot, but again, I wouldn’t know about that. But with these mouthwatering, succulent snacks on the menu, this has been a non-issue. These treats are made using the same soft, crustless bread as their PB&J counterparts, but loaded with a savory BBQ chicken filling instead. They’re ideal for getting picky eaters that meaty, saucy nutrition their body craves. Protein is so important, especially for a body that has been relentlessly ravaged by years of dinners consisting solely of Lucky Charms, Maruchan Ramen, and PBR — I’m talking about your kids! Not me! They’re going to love that TANG!
Obviously, I gave the things a little nibble myself; I’d never feed my progenies anything I wouldn’t put in my own body. I feel a little naughty admitting it, but – they were good! Nutritious, too. As a parent and a respectable human adult, I care what I put in my body and my kids’ bodies! Made with 100% white meat chicken and eight grams of protein per serving, us ’rents can sleep soundly at night knowing that our genetic lineage is safe as our offspring grow big and strong. These come in boxes of two, which I found to be a hearty meal for a small child or a light hors d’oeuvres for… a slightly larger child. Like, I don’t know, adult-sized. So make sure to buy extra if your young’un is on the huskier side. Uncrustables also make a great midnight snack; the perfect pick me up for the struggling insomniac kept up at night by an unshakeable sense of existential dread — that’s right: your adolescent son or daughter.
If you have kids, buy these! If you don’t (and are an exterminator currently residing in the greater Chicagoland area), drop a comment below, along with your phone number (for administrative purposes!), and I will do my best to recommend a food that might be more appropriate for you. If you’re my local Target cashier, I’m not, and I can’t stress this enough, buying these Smucker’s Uncrustables Frozen BBQ Chicken Bites — in excessive, grotesque bulk — for myself! Please stop judging me. I’m fragile. I haven’t eaten a vegetable in months. Signing off, as always, with love from me and my boys — little Damien and, uh… Brandon. Yeah, Brandon.