Greed is one of the most popular sins, which explains why it inspired so many Bible verses. For example, Luke 12:15 reads, “Life does not consist in an abundance of possessions,” and was clearly written in a time before pinball machines and dirt bikes.

Cussing is a confusing sin because it requires context. When a farmer refers to his donkey as an ass, that is not a cuss. When a farmer refers to his donkey as a piss-soaked fuck trumpet that crawled out of Satan’s rotten shithole, that is a cuss.

Biblical scholars define sloth as “the sinful desire for ease.” I define sloth as a “long monkey.”

Gluttony refers to all manner of overindulgence, including drunkenness, downing a trayful of Communion grape juice shooters, or eating too many Sugar Daddies from the Vacation Bible School treasure chest and suffering a catastrophic sugar crash while reciting the Fruits of the Spirit.

Lust is what happens when the praise band rhythm guitarist wears a head-to-toe Billabong.

Peeing in the pastor’s above-ground pool during the annual youth group summer hootenanny is almost certainly a sin, but not a very popular one. I don’t know anyone who would do that.

“Sins of the flesh” is a general term to describe squishing your boobs together and screaming, “ALL ABOARD THE MANGO TRAIN!”

Wrath takes many forms, including intentionally scratching your enemy’s DC Talk CD or slapping a random girl in the neck because she won’t let you borrow her illustrated copy of the Children’s Adventure Bible.

Pretending to speak in tongues at church camp is a pretty major sin, even if you’re really good at it. Tonguing at church camp is a sin regardless of skill.

Revelation 21:8 reads: “But the cowardly, the unbelieving, the vile, the murderers, the sexually immoral, those who practice magic arts, the idolaters and all liars—they will be consigned to the fiery lake of burning sulfur.” Revelation 21:9 reads: “Except for everyone who tithed extra so Pastor Chris could build a three-car garage. Y’all are good.”

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This is an excerpt from Lillian Stone’s hilarious new book Everybody’s Favorite: Tales from the World’s Worst Perfectionist. Available today wherever you buy books.