My fellow Americans, what an incredible journey these past eight years have been. Michelle and I, and the girls, couldn’t be more grateful of the trust you’ve shown in us, for which we’ll be forever humbled. Now that Donald Trump has been elected President, many have wondered what I’ll do after leaving office. Well, after the surprising results of the election, I’ve realized something. It didn’t quite matter just HOW good a job I did as President. Which is why I’ve decided before I make a decision about my future, that I’ll be taking a gap year to, dunno, figure some shit out.
I studied the Constitution to the point of being able to actually teach it, and it was not super necessary is my take away (if anyone still cares its only 7591 words plz read!). If I had known when I was, let’s say, in Paris for the climate talks, that I could’ve taken a day to just sit at a café and people watch, and millions of people back in America wouldn’t really care, I might have taken a day to just sit at a café and people watch, you know?
Why did I cram on the issues, study them from all sides, soul-search until I was grey to figure out what was good and right for America, when voters sent a message loud and clear that they think literally none of that shit matters. That’s what I was telling a Secret Service Agent the other day. He was like, beats me. He actually said that! And then we fist bumped as usual, but this time it felt, I don’t know, like neither of us really wanted to for some reason.
I know what you’re thinking. Gap year? What, is he gonna move to Colorado suddenly and become a river guide? Well, no, it actually takes time to go through guide school for all classes of rapids. I looked it up. A ski resort might make more sense, but that’s beside the point. I feel like I need to just BE for awhile. Not “Mister President,” or “the chair recognizes Senator Barack Obama of Illinois,” simply “hey, you with The North Face fleece, you wanna make twelve bucks an hour running the lift at Squaw Valley, they’re hiring, dude. No experience required.” I could get fired up for that BIG TIME right about now.
Many have asked why not remain vocal in the opposition. Well, sure, but just the other day, Joe told me he had these songs he wrote that he wants to “lay down some tracks” for. Sort of Bruce-meets-Katy-Perry, I’m told. Next thing I knew I was downloading Garage Band and was more excited than I’ve been in weeks. It sure beats getting calls in the middle of the night that an insurance website keeps crashing because you decided health care should be accessible for everyone. It’s weird, I’m actually… yeah… I’m convincing myself more about a gap year as I read this. Maybe I should take up journaling. I used to do that all the time!
And the notion that I’d be throwing my post-presidency away, as Jimmy Carter is probably thinking, is flat-out false. Old man Carter, always nagging me about my future. C’mon man, it’s just a year. If I did some volunteer work in Africa, would it be throwing it away? Hang on, don’t ask him. He’d probably say no, and then I’d end up waist deep in Guinea Worm, which is not something to be waist deep in, trust me. Gonna be hard to jam with the Bid-ster if I’m doubled over in excruciating pain.
Also, while I’m flattered Mitt, I’m not ready to jump into your shadow government right away. The only shadow I care about frankly is of a palm tree on a mystical Thai beach with reasonable hostel rates.
Look, I want to continue the work I’ve done to make this country, and planet, a better place. But maybe this is the year I get all the way through Infinite Jest. Or take that pasta making class in Tuscany. Or, hell, maybe I should work some odd jobs in construction so I can learn how to build hotels everywhere with my name on them. Why not? Literally anyone can do this job is what you’re saying.
So as I said many years ago, all you need is hope. Or, fuck it, maybe a two-month Eurail pass?