1. When you butter your corn cob, you:
A. Daintily take a pat of butter with a knife and then use the knife to glide the butter over the corn cob’s kernels.
B. Stick the whole cob onto a stick of butter and roll it around.
C. Spray the butter onto the corn cob with a butter flavored spray you buy at the grocery store.
D. Dip the whole cob into a vat of melted butter you perpetually keep in your trailer in case anyone breaks into your trailer you can push them into a vat of hot butter.
2. When you salt the corn cob, you:
A. Gingerly place some salt directly onto your hand and then sprinkle it onto the cob.
B. You don’t use salt; you use Mrs. Dash.
C. You have trained one of your kitty cats to salt the cob for you.
D. The doctor says you can’t use salt because of a variety of health-related issues that you have, so you always put mayonnaise on the cob in its stead.
3. To hold onto the corn cob, you usually:
A. Use the stem of the corn cob as a handle.
B. Use corn cob skewers.
C. Use your feet to hold the corn cob.
D. Put the corn on the cob onto a drill bit, turn on the drill and let the corn cob spin inside your mouth.
4. If you use corn cob skewers, your corn cob skewers are:
A. Shaped like little corn cobs themselves.
B. Vintage corn cob skewers from your grandma’s kitchen.
C. Crystal skewers you put on your Williams Sonoma wedding registry.
D. Pewter and shaped like Confederate Civil War Generals.
5. When you eat your corn cob, you:
A. Chew across the cob horizontally like a typewriter carriage moving left to right.
B. Roll it vertically and chomp around the cob like a logroller.
C. Eat haphazardly and take bites out of wherever the fuck you choose.
D. Eat the whole cob, much like one would a hot dog.
6. (If you do not have facial hair, you may proceed to Question 7) You check your beard or mustache for stray corn kernels:
A. Independently, with some frequency.
B. After each individual cob.
C. Only after the entire meal.
D. Never. I never ever check my mustache and/or beard for errant corn. Or any sort of residue.
7. The best way to describe your method of ingesting the corn is:
A. Daintily nibbling.
B. Sophisticated munching.
C. Chomping, as God intended.
D. Gnawing on the cob like a hungry lion might gnaw on the carcass of a wildebeest.
8. When you see an errant piece of corn silk on your cob, you:
A. Discreetly remove it and put it in the side of your plate.
B. Eat it anyway. No big deal.
C. That just wouldn’t happen in light of the diligent way you inspect your corn cob before you even start to eat it.
D. Gesticulate wildly and act like Superman might when he sees a piece of kryptonite.
9. When you are done eating the corn on the cob, the person seated across from you:
A. Is unsullied and delighted by your effervescence.
B. Has a few errant corn niblets in his or her hair that he or she discreetly removes.
C. Has enough corn on his or her halter or tank top to feed a family of five in the Sudan for a month.
D. Has applied for entry to the witness protection program.
10. While you eat corn on the cob, conversation basically consists of:
A. Enthusiastically describing how sweet and delicious and perfectly ripened the corn is.
B. Generally speaking of how much you like summer foods and summer activities in general.
C. Your truck; and how you really hope the veneers on your front teeth don’t come off while you are eating.
You look appropriately ugly and gross and stupid when you eat corn on the cob. You sort of like a cute monster who is just kind of gross, like a lovable gremlin or E.T. when Gertie saw E.T. for the first time, when he was hiding in Elliot’s closet amidst the stuffed animals. You are ugly and grotesque but not irredeemably so.
You look highly gross and stupid; you’re scary but not so revolting that people never want to see again — you look like maybe just someone with botched plastic surgery or a wilderness girl unleashed from the wilderness and eating human food for the first time, like Jodie Foster in Nell.
You look like a fucking monster and you make people want to vomit. But watching you eat corn on the cob doesn’t make people’s eyeballs bleed because you resemble a monster that they have seen before, like King Kong or Godzilla; or like what would happen if Tom Petty and Tori Spelling had a baby.
You look like what would happen Freddie Kruger and Aileen Wuornos had a baby and that baby took a shit and then Steve Bannon ate the shit and then shit out that shit and Steve Bannon’s shit came to life and started running around a nursing home in Florida with a machete. That’s how bad you look when you eat corn on the cob. Also, everyone hates you.