“I gave a long news conference today after wishing the military a Happy Thanksgiving, & realized once again that the Fake News Media coordinates so that the real message of such a conference never gets out. Primary point made was that the 2020 Election was RIGGED, and that I WON!” — Donald Trump, Twitter, 11/16/20

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I ATE THE MOST TURKEY! By a lot! It wasn’t even close! And if you don’t count the turkey my husband and kids ate, then I ate the most by a landslide! I ATE MORE THANKSGIVING FOOD THAN ANY SITTING FAMILY MATRIARCH IN HISTORY! Anyone with two eyes and a brain can see this was the most rigged Thanksgiving of all time, and I will soon prove to you that I WON BIG!

All LEGAL turkey consumed by midnight Thanksgiving or until both adults pass out should be counted. All ILLEGAL turkey consumed after Thanksgiving should not be counted. These are the rules. Turkey consumed during 3 a.m. snack attacks or later should be THROWN OUT. It’s that simple, folks. The leftover turkey sandwiches with the white bread and the cranberry spread? The family continues to eat these well after Thanksgiving ended, and they CANNOT be counted in total consumption numbers. It’s time to #StopTheMeal!

Just listen to the evidence from my lawyer! And by lawyer I mean the septuagenarian drifter who squats in my in-law unit. He can’t stop rambling about pizza parlors and pedophiles, but you can trust him because he’s seen every episode of Law and Order. WAIT! I said LISTEN. Don’t LOOK at him! Yeah, he’s got gravy bleeding from his hair. DON’T EVEN WORRY ABOUT IT.

If you look at the numbers, you will see that on Thanksgiving night I was way ahead and therefore this win should go in my column. After I fell asleep, my husband somehow magically ate enough turkey to overcome his consumption deficit? I don’t think so. WAKE UP, PEOPLE!

You probably saw my husband’s tweet that says, “I ate a ton of turkey this year.” A ton? Really? That’s 2000 pounds. The turkey I bought was only 15 pounds. How could there be more turkey eaten than purchased? And I guess you’ve noticed that my husband has about 60 pounds on me, so you just naturally believe he ate more than me. Well, let me tell you something, there is no way old “Low Volume” Larry, as I like to call him, out-ate me. Do not accept the results of this Thanksgiving hoax!

I ATE THE MOST STUFFING. I DEFINITELY ATE THE MOST CRANBERRY SAUCE AND PIE! The LAMESTREAM media won’t report this! If you’re only getting your Thanksgiving news from my son’s TikTok (failing, only 40 followers) then you’re not getting the full story.

I ATE THE ENTIRE TURKEY. Including the bones! No one thought I would eat the bones; they said it couldn’t be done. But I unhinged my jaw and shoved each one down my gullet and pulverized them into dust. It was beautiful. We pulled the wishbone and I WON THAT TOO! I ate all of the green bean and almond casserole! How’d I do that with a nut allergy? It’s called an EpiPen. LOOK IT UP. Who’s to say I wasn’t shooting myself up in the leg under the table? BITE. STAB. BITE. STAB. Are you going to believe reality, or are you going to believe me? I would verify this for you if only observers from MY side of the family had been allowed in, but they WERE BLOCKED because of COVID.

I guess you’ve seen the report that there’s still an entire Tupperware container full of hacked up leftover turkey parts in my fridge, and that it was independently certified by the 3-year-old. WRONG! She is under the influence of her LIBERAL father, who lets her have as many stars n’ planets Band-aids as she wants when she’s not even hurt. It’s an open and shut case of CORRUPTION and FRAUD! I ATE THE TURKEY!

I WON THANKSGIVING! But you know, now that I think about it, and NOT because I’m trapped in a web of lies, my husband can proceed like he ate the most turkey. I mean he didn’t, but my children are being harassed, which is surprising because I asked my friends to harass them! My case STRONGLY continues, and I will keep up the good fight. I believe I will prevail, and you will too when you see my cholesterol and blood pressure numbers from my next physical! But for the good of this family, I’m going to allow my husband to live the lie that he ate the most. You’re welcome for solving this problem I caused.

I DRANK ALL THE WINE! … OK, this one is actually true.