Entertaining friends is something of a prerequisite when it comes to being seen as an adult woman. This is similar to when a young boy lifts a heavy chair — or simply is the only male in the room — and wow, amazing: he’s a grown man now! If only it were so simple for ladies.
Fortunately, it can be easier. Next time you need to entertain, mask any store-bought items with an ever-so-slightly personalized touch. After all, feeling like you need to lie about your homemaking abilities is one of the key parts of being a woman.
All this recipe requires is a wheel of brie and a tube of premade crescent roll dough. You can wrap the dough around the brie in an elegant, fancy way if preparing elegant, fancy food feels like a form of patriarchal resistance to you. You could also just slap the dough on top of the cheese, angrily pinching and pressing until it looks covered. Women can be aggressive so long as it’s within the confines of the kitchen! Put your dough-covered brie in the oven for some amount of time between “melty” and “does something smell like burning?” And voila! An appetizer so good and simple, you’ll almost forget the fact that your ex never even learned how to turn on his apartment oven!
Prosciutto and Goat Cheese Sliders
This recipe is likely going to require a trip to the store, but don’t panic. Revel in the fact that you’ll be able to tell your guests you managed to squeeze in a trip to the local market after work and before they arrived. They’ll ooh and ahh over how you’re somehow able to do it all. You’ll deflect the compliment and apologize for not making something more elaborate. See, you’re getting the hang of domestic womanhood already!
Peanut Butter And Jelly But The Bread Is Toasted
So, you ran out of time to get to the store. You got distracted, started hate-scrolling through shitty tweets, and lost track of time. That’s okay! This recipe is a simple upgrade to your classic PB&J. Just toast your bread and quarter your sandwiches into triangles. It’s familiar but new! It’s comforting but surprising! It’s just like mom used to make but also mom is young and hot! It’s every guy’s dream!
A Delivery Pizza That You Put Some Arugula On
Can’t even manage a peanut butter and jelly? That’s fine, I guess. Maybe just order a pizza? Make sure you get thin crust. Thin crust pizza seems more artisanal, more homemade, and definitely more feminine. If food has the word “thin” or “skinny” in the name, that’s how you know it was made for or by a woman! Adding your own arugula is the key to this recipe. We’ve all been conditioned to believe food tastes better with a feminine touch. Even if that food is just a delivery pizza with some wilted greens that your friends will definitely pick off of it.
Sparkling Wine Garnished With Fresh Fruit
Nothing says “I fit your narrow definition of a woman” like drinking wine. Garnishing a glass of your favorite bubbly with a few fresh strawberries adds pizzazz and nutritional value. It also adds to the illusion that you’re a hostess in her natural element and not just an angry shrew performing femininity. Strawberries aren’t your thing? Stick a cocktail skewer through a fresh blueberry or two with a swift stabbing motion. Channel your feminine rage into cutting a pineapple into decorative star shapes. Remember, showing your female aggression is fine so long as it involves making a meal and no one is around to see it. Bon Appetit!