Thank you for your interest in The Foundation of Life Supply Sustainers. We welcome applicants from all over the world, at all stages of their artistic careers. This year, we are pleased to offer grants specifically geared toward artists with children under the age of eight. To that end, we encourage you to answer these questions honestly, thoughtfully, and using your inside voices.

1. How has having children impacted your career goals as an artist? Specifically, how much junk must you kick out of the path in your hallway in order to get to the bathroom each day? To the kitchen? To your own brain?

2. The judging committee values honest interrogation of one’s work. Please tell us about a time when something looked both more entertaining and easier to assemble before you bought it.

3. On a scale of one to ten, with one being “empty” and ten being “full,” how much more frequently do you use the bathroom after having children? Of that number, what percentage of those trips are, in fact, to hide from your children? Using the space below, please describe how hiding from your children in the bathroom multiple times a day has impacted your artistic process.

4. Suppose, for a moment, that you are a person. Your heart is a swollen and cratered moon. Your throat-lump thumps. Given what you know about silence-equals-death, about personal-is-political, with a special appreciation for and emphasis on the conditions and constraints under which the majority of today’s artists work, would you, or would you not, allow unlimited screen time?

5. Suppose you were inside a cave. Suppose, inside the cave, you were upside down and naked. Suppose the cave was near a cliff overlooking the Mediterranean Sea. Suppose a war was underway. Suppose the ends of your hair were on fire. Suppose your only sustenance was Cheerios, Goldfish crackers, or stale Veggie Booty. Would you, or would you not, learn to manage your expectations?

6. Suppose you had an idea. Where did it go? We were literally just talking about something. What was it?

7. The committee pays particular attention to artwork that engages with the local community. The work of past recipients has included, for instance, a performance piece in which the artist attempted to explain to a tired two-year-old that she could no longer carry him, that the toddler had to either walk or get into the stroller, and, when the child refused both, the artist offered snacks, which the toddler swatted away, spilling food everywhere, whereupon the artist took it upon herself to wrestle the over-tired toddler into his stroller, muttering “I’m the boss! I’m the boss! I love you. I’m sorry. But I’M THE BOSS!” while the artist endured, shamefully, the dagger-glares of passing pedestrians, all the while, internally, feeling herself transformed into just the sort of person she never thought she would become. Similarly, in what ways do you intend your art to connect to the surrounding environment?

8. The following section relates to your financial expenditures. Please circle all that apply.

  • Coins lost under couch cushions
  • Bus passes lost under bus seats
  • Credit cards destroyed by child’s teeth
  • Babysitter subscription services you forgot to cancel
  • Video streaming services you forgot to cancel
  • Time spent discussing whether what you perceived to be constructive advice was, in fact, micro-managing
  • Diaper subscription services you forgot to cancel
  • Toilet paper subscriptions you forgot to cancel
  • Time spent discussing whether you are having a discussion or, in fact, an argument
  • Popcorn dumped on floor
  • Goldfish dumped on top of popcorn
  • Household items that have been appropriated as toys
  • Debt owed to past generations of parents who had it much harder than you do

9. True or false: All art is political.
True or false: I’m not going to tell you this again.
True or false: If you do that one more time, we’re leaving.
True or false: Everyone gets a turn.

10. Moustache, the stuffed bunny, appears to have gone missing. Moustache, where are you? Where are you, Moustache?